Australian Siblings Interpretive Baywatch Dance

I saw this on The Soup last night: disturbingly entertaining:

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

If this is the final nail in the coffin of this season:

Ipswich 3-2 Norwich

: I shall be forced to join the French Foreign Legion, in order to forget ("Forget what? I've forgotten.")

Arse Banditry, or the Teabagger Bagged

Not what you think:

Police think they've nabbed 'butt bandit'

If I was the police chief in Valentine, Nebraska I would have dressed my best detectives up as a mannequins and had them stake out department store windows. The only thing that could have messed up that strategy was a magical Kim Cattrall.

"Hope" even touches spammers

I just received my first spam email offering pictures of a n*de Michelle Obama. Now, despite the existence of any such photos being as likely as there being pictures of John McCain naked draped in sausage links and raw steak (you are welcome) one has to admire the chutzpah of the spamographers. When all else is lost, they keep repeating "yes we can!" and send out teases and requests for off-shore shelters for smuggled diamonds.

Bless their little cotton socks. Keep striving, spammers.

They are preparing McCain's meatkini, just in case I'm wrong.

Overheard Joke...

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?

A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

Are the Rusholme Ruffians the next NFL franchise?

Jim. not Stephen Patrick, Morrissey

I'm not sure what was more astonishing this afternoon, the infuriatingly inventive play of the Miami Dolphins as they humbled our New England Patriots, or the fact that the NFL is now using "Every Day is Like Sunday" by Morrissey to promote NFL.com. If this trend continues can we expect Major League Baseball to promote the post season with "Hand in Glove"?

Dead Parrot Picks Palin

Yesterday appeared to be opposite day in the Republican Party. Instead of running with a callow, inexperienced, and little-traveled child of a presidential candidate and a gnarled, foul-tempered, cynical old goat of a vice-presidential candidate they switched around roles. It fairly brings one back to the wonderous days of GHW Bush and Dane Quaylee.

Its probably good for McCain that the second placed Democrat in the tight primary race was a woman and not Barney Frank, otherwise his blatant tokenism would have been much harder for his zombotic horde of a base to swallow. Think about it- would rock-ribbed social conservatives ever rallied around a John McCain/Rip Taylor ticket?

Here Republican VP candidate, Governor of Alaska, and former beauty queen Sarah Palin demonstrates her policy experience in the fields of education and foreign affairs:

Caption Contest

The countryside is beautiful, the cities can be elegant and exciting, the culture is a joy and the food is my anchor, but oy! the people!

As someone who on his last visit home endured the joys of travelling cheek-by-jowl with his fellow Britons aboard an overcrowded train while they acted like pigs and sharp-elbowed gollems; who sat wreathed in the smoke from a thousand cigarettes in an unventilated basement restaurant; and who revelled in the intensity of the surly bad service given by shop assistants and waitstaff across several counties I have to say that the Rough Guide folks are being pretty fair:

New guide to 'irritating' England

Quaint bobbies prepare to greet colourful drinkers at chucking out time, any British town, any Thursday through Saturday night

The Wide World of Sports

Baseball is America's game. Football, or soccer if you prefer, is the sport beloved of the rest of the world. With that in mind, would you rather:

a) Be a lying, arrogant, greedy, adulterous kiddy-fiddler whose ass bled from too many performance enhancing drugs and who has squandered the trust of two great sports towns and some shite outfit called the Yankees?

Or:

b) A pie-loving, perpetually adolescent set of giant teeth with a gut and feet of gold attached caught up in the ol' Eddie Murphy "my gaggle of prostitutes have testicles" caper?

Answers on a post card to MLB and FIFA. The winner will be selected between rounds as Sepp Blatter and Bud Selig wrestle to see who can make their beautiful game more tawdry and attractive to borderline Nazis (the late Marge Schott would have made a perfect Lazio Ultra).

Match the athlete to his date

Did They Offer Nail Care Products?

From the BBC:

'Jesus' cosmetic row in Singapore
leading retailer in Singapore has withdrawn a cosmetics range with a Jesus theme after complaints from local Roman Catholics, local media report....

Apparently the last straw came when one of the priests offered an altar boy the use of his chap stick.

What? Their Horse Drawn Hearse Was Broken?

Even Garth went Goth once
From the lovely BBC:

Dog-lead goths 'hounded off bus'
A goth who leads his girlfriend around with a dog lead and collar was stopped from getting on a bus amid fears for passenger safety, a bus firm confirmed.

Dani Graves, 25, and his fiancee Tasha Maltby, 19, of Dewsbury, West Yorks, claim they have been discriminated against by bus firm Arriva Yorkshire. The black-clad couple said they had been told to leave one bus and prevented from boarding another. The bus firm said safety came first, but it was investigating the complaint.

Mr Graves told BBC Look North: "We're used to strange looks, we're used to comments.

"But we didn't expect it from someone like that. They're providing a public service. We had our bus passes, we did everything that you are supposed to do to get on a bus."

Miss Maltby said she came up with the idea to wear a dog lead, and said previous boyfriends had called her a "weirdo" when she suggested it. The couple said they "loved each other to pieces" and the use of the lead was a "sign of trust".

Mr Graves said: "She's very animal like, she's kind of like a pet, as well as a partner."

He said he "does everything" for his girlfriend, including laying out clothes for her, feeding her and cleaning their house. He said: "You wouldn't expect your cat or dog to do the washing up or cleaning round the house."

Bus operator Arriva claimed other passengers could be put at risk if the bus braked sharply. Operations director for Arriva Yorkshire, Paul Adcock, said: "Arriva takes any allegation of discrimination very seriously and have interviewed the driver regarding Mr Graves' claims. Our primary concern is passenger safety and while the couple are very welcome to travel on our buses, we are asking that Miss Maltby remove her dog lead before boarding the bus.

"It could be dangerous for the couple and other passengers if a driver had to brake sharply while Miss Maltby was wearing the lead."

The company said it was writing to Mr Graves "to apologise for any distress caused by the way this matter was handled".

It is not for me to comment on the lifestyle of Miss Maltby and the wonderfully Goth-y named Mr. Graves. However, one does wonder if the whole effect of a life lived in the Neil Gaiman inspired shadows is lessened by the phrase "We had our bus passes".

To quote a once-notable bard, "Hey now, hey na na now, sing this corrosion to me." Good sleep, cat-like underlings.

Hunchbacks- No Longer as Fearsome & Now Lacking in Imagination

From the BBC-
Mystery over severed bell ropes
The bells at an ancient Dorset church were silenced for the first time in nearly 200 years after the ropes were severed by a mystery vandal.

The sabotage came to light during an open day at St Peter's Church in the village of Long Bredy near Dorchester. Three of the ropes snapped as the ringers pulled at them - but nobody was injured.

A fourth rope had also been severed and the ringers said the evidence suggests the culprit was an insider.

Gwen Kinghorn, 53, a regular bell ringer at the 13th Century church told the BBC she was completely baffled and said she had no idea of who could have done it.

"I was pulling the rope and it just fell on my head. Then the other ropes started to fall too, on the heads of the others," she said. (the rest...)"

That's it? That's the best the mystery vandal can do? In the old days it would have been up the parapet with one's hot gypsy lover under one arm and a gargoyle for chucking at pursuers under the other, while a slavering horde waited impatiently below with nooses, pitchforks, and burning torches. I don't know- what is the world coming to?

Its a Bit Damp, Old Boy

Doctor Foster went to Gloucester

In a shower of rain,

He stepped in a puddle,

Right up to his middle,

And never went there again.

We'd love to have you, but we simply can't accept any refugees from the slow submerging of the British Isles, even if you are a blood relative. Sozzers!

The Value of a Good Education

The garish neon sign (arrogantly erected without planning permission) outside of R*ckl*nd D*str*ct H*gh Sch**l currently says something along the lines of:

"Happy Independance Day"

I may not have their sentiment exactly right, but the spelling is verbatim. Nice work there by our town's leading public educational institution.

It is this sort of thing that lead to the sign outside the Otis, Maine volunteer fire department's "modjelaah" building in September 2001 that read "Untied We Stand". I hope they didn't trip over their laces en route to rescue cats stuck up trees.

A Few Choice Keywords

Interesting; there has been a marked decrease in perverts stopping by Wisdom Weasel on route to their search for filth, with perhaps the exception of the eternal optimist who seems to google "Tina C*rvasio N*ked" every day. Instead, I seem to be on the receiving end of some more esoteric search engine queries (in no particular order):

vegetable dye for eyebrows
babies disguised as pandas
accountancy was my life until I discovered smirnoff
scallop consumation (sic) in the eu

and my favorite of the moment:

a scene from a film with a man in a neck brace and blue trousers

Ooh! Ooh! I love that film- "Hombre en un apoyo del cuello y pantalones azules" by Pedro Almodovar. Its an early classic.

"WHAT? NO. I'M ON THE KHUMBU ICEFALL! THE KHUMBU ICE FALL! WHAT?"

A British climber is in the closing stages of an attempt to set a world record for the highest mobile call.

I've read the linked story a couple of times and I'm still none the wiser. Why bother? And don't give me any of that 'because it is there" crap. If you want a world record, why not emulate me, and go for "The Longest Time Doing the Twist on a 3'x3' Square of Axminster Carpet"? Although be warned, I will defend my record against all comers.

Breaking News: Many American Preppies Didn't Rape Anyone Yesterday

A preppy non-rapist yesterday. Face and dick have been cropped from picture to protect the innocent.
I am sure the formerly accused in the Duke University Lacrosse Team rape case are very relieved that charges have been dropped. I'm sure the prosecuting attorney who went after them in such a cavalier fashion is shaking in his boots. But was this story really worth half the 6:30pm newscasts on both CBS and ABC, and was there any reason for CBS to send glam-anchor Katie Couric to North Carolina to conduct the evening news? Was this really the most important story in America yesterday, let alone in the world?

I can't wait to see tonight's news and find out what crimes weren't committed by the Syracuse water polo team, the Bowdoin badminton squad, or the University of Puget Sound "mathletes". I'm sure whichever it is, it'll be the lead story and consume the half of the news not dedicated to health desk updates for elderly men worried about their prostates.

Crap Pirates

A Modern Devonian yesterday
Spare a thought for the poor M/V Napoli: not only did it run aground off the coast of southern England this weekend, but as it's cargo has washed ashore the containers have attracted the attention of modern day wreckers in the West Country. The full story can be found here, but to offer up some choice quotes and a summary,

"Barrels of wine, shoes, hair care products, beauty cream, steering wheels, exhaust pipes, gearboxes, nappies, foreign language bibles and BMW motorbikes have all been washed up on the pebbled beach. And, ignoring advice to stay away, hundreds of people have been helping themselves to the thousands of pounds of free goods on offer.

One told BBC Five Live: "There's plenty...there's a container down there - the more we can take away the better really - it's not really any good to anybody is it?"

Others were celebrating the unusual turn of events.

"We don't normally have this sort of stuff happening down here, but you know...grab what you can," an excited hunter said. "We've got some engine parts and some BMW engines - and we've all been helping together in unloading them really," another said."

This has to be one in the eye for those who claim that the traditional industries of Western England have been done under by globalisation and technology. I'd like to see Johnny Outsourcer or Microsoft come up with a better way to run off with stuff that doesn't belong to them than these ruddy and simple British thieves with their hearts of oak and beef-flavoured farts. And you can keep your urban crimes of mugging and happy slapping too: three cheers for good old fashioned rural Devonian larceny!

A colourful local "chav" steals a box of support hose from the beach; shows daily every 2 hours between 10am and 4pm (photo courtesy of Visit Devon: Britain's Home for 'Olde Worlde' Crime).

By Punching Chavs, You Help Stop Terrorists

Senior British politician John Prescott punches an mulleted idiot on the campaign trail, 2001
Hear hear.