Breaking and Censering

Its been an exhausting weekend of (scripted) drama this weekend: I made my biennial pilgrimage to the altar of the late Cubby Broccoli (aww, man. I giggled- giggled at at least two of the stunts, I love the new Bond direction so much) and we finally watched the conclusion of The Wire. As a consequence I'm a touch knackered and a little brain dead. So instead of a long, considered post on arts, culture, politics, economics, and life (hmm...) I would like to share this gem from the BBC:

Russian church 'taken by thieves'

A 200-year-old church building has disappeared from a village in central Russia, officials from the Russian Orthodox Church say (the rest...)

The spotty seventeen year old pretentious intellectual within me wants to yell "Oooh! Oooh! A church stolen, not stealing: the irony!" but he is afraid the 35 year old me will clock him one with a frying pan.

Wherein Basic Predjudices Long Unexamined Doth Boil Up

I personally don't belong to any faith and find the whole business of mumbo-jumbo and mystery in general to be a tremendous cop-out from embracing the truly exciting concept of the universe being powered by chaos, random events and competition between natural systems. That said, I was raised in the warm bath of generalized British soft protestantism and so when the Pope recently came to the United States for a visit I had the following reactions:

1) Ugh, the Pope.

2) Look at him, all conservative and hypocritical.

3) Wait a minute, who are all those cheering people?

4) Bloody hell, there is a significant percentage of the world's population who love the Pope and think he's a force for good.

5) I think I need to work on my empathy.

The Pope, as I've always seen him and his predecessors. Not a view shared by all, nor even the right one?

They Thought It Was An Overcooked Thin Crust at Pizza One at First

I didn't even have to click on the link on the BBC news website to just know in my heart that this had to be Norwich Cathedral:

Cathedral emptied by Easter fire

To quote the story: "Reverend McFarlane said: "New Christians were baptised and confirmed by the Bishop of Norwich and the cathedral was filled with light from the candles and incense.

"Sadly, it was all a bit too much for the fire detection system and half-way through the Eucharistic prayer we were interrupted by the fire alarm and an automated voice telling us to evacuate the cathedral.

"Clearly fire detection systems can't cope with the Resurrection of Jesus."

Of course, we all know the real reason for the alarms:
The Health & Safety Executive: protecting Catholics from sectarian immolation since 1974
On an unrelated note, I'd like to see Paris Hilton play Joan of Arc, if only to hear her say "That's hot" in the ultimate scene.

By Xenu!

I don't intend to be a water carrier for Scientology, Tom Cruise, or Katie Holmes but I must admit to rolling my eyes recently at one of the "Shock! Horror! Tom and Katie's baby is a freak!" stories the supermarket tabloids love to emblazon on their covers.

Apparently Cruise and Holmes are so kooky and intent on indoctrinating their toddler into the ways of Scientology that little Suri is not allowed to "watch TV or eat Happy Meals".

If that is the standard for way-outside-the-norm- cult-brainwashing-parenting- philosophies, then the majority of parents of my generation I know must be fully paid up Operating Thetans.

In reality the closest anyone I know has come to Scientology is the occasional eating of hubbard squash. Unless their reluctance to force nutritionally empty McDonalds food and Days of Our Lives onto their children reflects a secret adherence to dianetics of course.

Did They Offer Nail Care Products?

From the BBC:

'Jesus' cosmetic row in Singapore
leading retailer in Singapore has withdrawn a cosmetics range with a Jesus theme after complaints from local Roman Catholics, local media report....

Apparently the last straw came when one of the priests offered an altar boy the use of his chap stick.

Armageddon (out of here if he wins)

Republican presidential candidate and professional ignoramus Mike Huckabee has a new pithy sound bite he likes to end his speeches with in order to rally his troops:

"I didn't major in math, I majored in miracles."

Well that should come in handy if he wins and has to fix the economy. The quotes from his supporters interviewed in exit polls makes for amazing listening: they sound like turkeys voting for Thanksgiving. If these folks used the same logic they employ to pick a candidate to following the rules of the road then maybe we'd be able to be rid of them through a spike in fatal traffic accidents, but no- we would never be that lucky. Perhaps we could break off three or four southern states, gift them to the evangelicals for their own country, let them be as fundamentalist as they like, and call it Talibama.

And would somebody please tell Huckabee and his moronic horde that the word is "pundit", not "pundant"? Haven't we learned how devestating it can to be the country and the world if we elect someone who can't even be bothered to find out how a word is pronounced?

I'm sincerely grateful that economically illiterate rube isn't going to win.

Live Fritos or Diet

It's been a quiet week out here in Lake Woebegone, -oops, wrong intro.

Hello chums; hope all is well. I have been inordinately tired as of late (related to the arrival of season 3 of Lost from our Netflix queue- you can't watch just one) so I haven't been posting much. This will soon change.

I did want to highlight a different New Hampshire primary narrative than the one that is doing the rounds as conventional wisdom however, as it makes a lot of sense to me and shows how once a discussion is framed it is very hard for alternative explanations to break through to public consciousness.

The CW claims that Hilary confounded the world and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat by sobbing slightly, possibly derailing the Obama campaign as she somehow captured the hearts of many and squeezed the balls of the rest destroying scientific polling in the process.

Another, less heard version suggests that the pollsters screwed up their samples on an epic scale and the Clinton machine's get-out-the-vote effort was better established in NH (after all, she's been running in effect since her husband left office and all his sleepers were still in place from 92 and Gore 00). And even with all of this, Barack Obama closed within 3 percent of the woman considered Democratic shoe-in nominee 12 months ago on the strength of only 5 days of frontrunner-hood.

Every time you hear Obama lost New Hampshire, remember that two and a half months ago he was 16% behind Clinton in opinion polls. In that time he made up 13% against the heir apparent. That's a lot of inertia, name recognition, and machine to push against, and yet he almost pulled it off.

I'm loving these races: whoever wins the Dems have the chance to send a real battle-hardened, road-tested candidate with the potential to make gender or racial history out of Denver and into November. Meanwhile Republican voters are seriously considering opting for either an old man who wants to prolong the war, a man who has changed position so many times this month alone his autobiography should be called the Mittra Sutra, and a man who believes Earth and all creation postdates the invention of beer and that the US government should be solely funded by a regressive 23% sales tax.

Seriously, if the Dems contrive to lose this one to yet another religious "national security" nut job I have already got Country Mouse to promise we're leaving.

Bugger...

... I forgot it was Bonfire Night yesterday. In an attempt at amends, here's a couple of minutes on the loony protestants of Lewes, Sussex:

Hail Columbia

To the idiots of the right and the idiots of the left who have been raising such a stink (both before and after) about Mahmud Ahmadinejad speaking at Columbia University in New York yesterday, may I offer up my favorite quote of the year originally directed at said Iranian president by Columbia President Lee Bollinger:

"You are either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated.”

The New York Times has extensive coverage of the brouhaha here, but suffice it to say I'm with those who believe that free speech was served yesterday not least because Ahmadinejad proved himself to be a first class buffoon.

Ahmadinejad suggested at Columbia that Iran doesn't have homosexuals. To prove it, here's the Revolutionary Guard looking very butch and not at all poofy

Ruminant Gets Crappy End of Stick, Again.

Probably not by meat goats, or for meat goats, but about meat goats I'll wager
From the BBC:

Goats sacrificed to fix Nepal jet

Nepal's state-run airline has confirmed that it sacrificed two goats to appease a Hindu god, following technical problems with one of its aircraft.

Nepal Airlines said the animals were slaughtered in front of the plane - a Boeing 757 - at Kathmandu airport.

The offering was made to Akash Bhairab, the Hindu god of sky protection, whose symbol is seen on the company's planes.

The airline said that after Sunday's ceremony the plane successfully completed a flight to Hong Kong.

"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," senior airline official Raju KC was quoted as saying by Reuters.

Yeah! Suck that Dawkins and your atheist ilk! A pair of dead goats made an aircraft fly- lets see your "science" beat that!

I do like how the BBC notes the aircraft model, as if it is implied that different aircraft require different sacrifices. A chicken for a Gulfstream, half a herd of gnu for a 747....

We Have the Prescription for Your Toe Tap Addiction

A typical Republican Senator last year, prior to treatment

This whole Larry Craig affair is a sad business. Not only does the senior Senator from Idaho find his career and family life in ruins, he no doubt is full of self-loathing and self-recrimination. How can one live a life decrying the morals and standards of those who share one's sexual orientation without feeling one's own bile slowly dissolving one from the inside?

Larry and his fellow self-haters must get beside themselves with self-disgust every time they succumb to their biologically hardwired impulses and bang out the nifty fifty with some bloke in the bogs. Self repression, oppressive legislation, fervent bible bashing, or reversion "therapy" obviously isn't working. What Senator Craig and his chums need is help from every Americans' guardian angel, the pharmaceutical industry.

If psychiatry, psychology, or prayer isn't working then pharmaceuticals will. What is the key problem? Illicit sex in public spaces. How is this sex being initiated? By the tapping of toes. How can the patient resist tapping toes? With a prescription for Mirapax.

Mirapax treats Restless Legs Syndrome (the disease that did for Moira Shearer in The Red Shoes). Closeted self-loathing Republican legislators won't have to worry about succumbing to their genetic preferences as they won't be able to move their legs to tap shoes with undercover coppers!

When you think about it, it's the perfect Republican solution. Blame the symptom not the cause then throw chemicals at it in a vain attempt to solve things. Meanwhile party contributors get your money and you are stuck in a toilet.

All that is missing is Dick Cheney to snarl foul language at one while he pistol whips an elderly man. Although come to think of it, that might prove too appealing.

Wanted: Men Who Like Worshiping a Half Naked Man and Wearing Rainbow Stoles

A gay priest yesterday
How mad is it that seven years into the 21st century churches presume to dictate policy for a mostly secular country?

Churches unite over adoption row
The Church of England has backed the Catholic Church in its bid to be exempt from laws on adoption by gay couples. Catholic leaders in England and Wales say its teachings prevent its agencies placing children with homosexuals and they will close if bound by the rules....

I see. So your religious faith, a concious choice you made, trumps the rights of people whose biological destny is as immutable as skin colour to provide good homes for abandoned and orphaned children? And your fabled compassion enters into the equation where?

Larry the Lamb has Two Dams

As I have mentioned here before, I am a huge fan of the website/blog of Bad Science, authored by Guardian columnist Ben Goldacre.

In his latest entry Goldacre dissects some ludicrous reporting in Britain's Sunday Times (a once decent newspaper knobbed about with by Rupert Murdoch) and in the process reiterates a point often overlooked in debates about nature vs. nurture and the controversial practice of "curing" homosexuality as advocated by some of the more batshit Christian denominations:

"For those of you at the Sunday Times with some catching up to do, here's a news flash: we cleared up the question of Lamarckian inheritance of acquired traits over 100 years ago. If it helps, you could think about whether boob jobs will make future generations have larger breasts. And even if you could intervene to make a gay human straight- which only the Sunday Times and their friends are claiming here, not the researchers- then in any case, you might reasonably expect this to make any inherited tendency towards homosexuality more prevalent, rather than less." (The rest)

Brilliant! To recap Goldacre's point; as homosexuality is a genetic quality, not a conscious decision, and therefore people trying to turn gay people straight, and thus encouraging them to marry and procreate, are actually doing sterling work in ensuring that the next generation will include a larger percentage of gay people. This is either further proof that fundamentalists of all stripes are so self-deluding they should probably be hospitalized for their own (and others) safety, or evidence of a fiendish scheme to ensure a ready supply of future clients for these bogus sexuality adjustment shenanigans.

"I'm The Bishop of Southwark, That's What I Do"

From the BBC:
Bishop incident was 'not mugging'
Police have said they are not treating an incident involving the Bishop of Southwark as a mugging. The Right Reverend Tom Butler suffered head injuries and lost his mobile phone and briefcase after a drinks reception at the Irish embassy on 5 December.

He reported the matter to police thinking he was robbed near his home in Streatham, south London. A Metropolitan Police spokesman said it was not being treated as a mugging but as a case of missing property.

Paul Sumpter was playing pool in a bar on, ironically, Crucifix Lane, in Bermondsey, when he heard his car alarm sound.

"I rushed out there and I saw an old looking guy with his legs hanging out the back of my car," said the property developer.

"My baby's toys were in the back seat and I could see him chucking them all about the place."

After "dragging" him away, the man initially revealed himself as the Bishop of Woolwich before falling on the pavement and knocking his head which left him unconscious for about five minutes..... (the rest of the story...)

In Other Entertainment News...

...the new audio book version of the bible was released today, featuring the voice of Samuel L. Jackson as God.

Juleshovah
All together, now:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.....

Veggie Tales is Getting Some Competition

From the BBC today:

"Cartoon tribute to Pope John Paul
A cartoon version of the life of Pope John Paul II, telling the story of his life and death in animated form, is to be released on DVD by the Vatican. The film, subtitled The Friend of All Humanity, will be the first cartoon account of a Pope's life...(the rest of the story)"

Shot in spectacular Vaticanvison this is a Holy (must) See! This manga Monsignor is a box office cert that will crucify the competition, and is expected to easily surpass the Reverend Ian Paisley's Reservoir Prods ("Mr Orange, Mr Orange, and Mr Orange") in opening weekend takings. Some suggest it may outdo The Lady and the Tramp! Stock up on the popecorn and hit the multiplex; its the family movie for the holidays for those of you banned by ecclesiastical law from having families upon taking holy orders.

Do you think transubstantiation is possible with a 48oz pepsi and gummy bears?

Top of the Popes

"Underneath ze lantern,
By ze barrack gate
Darlink I remember
The vay you used to vait
Vas there that you vhispered tenderly,
Zat you loffed me,
You'd alvays be,
Mein Lilli of the Lamplight,
Mein own Lilli Marlene!"
Could be worse. He could be singing this.

Never Mind Who God Hates, I Hate Fred Phelps

"And that my child is how you disposess that spawn of Satan Henrik Larsson"
In my preparations for England's final group game against Sweden this afternoon, I came across this nugget of lunacy from everyone's favorite funeral protester, Fred Phelps:

God Hates Sweden
I can see God getting irked at the satanic conspiracy that is Ikea self-assembly furniture, but hating Sweden? How can anyone hate Sweden? Its such a damn reasonable place.

Hating Sweden is like hating pillows. I'll have no part of it. I do hope we kick the ever-loving snot out of them this afternoon though.

Jesus appeals against being ruled offside.

UPDATE AT 4:54pm EST- I still don't hate Sweden, but after 93 minutes of quiet reflection (plus a banana and a cuppa at half time) I might have to hate one Swede in particular. Nice job with the selection, Sven, you perpetually horny Scandinavian fraudulent mercenary with shit glasses, you.

Passach of the Christ?

You have to hand it to him- little Mel Gibson has really put the world in a tizzy with his Passion of the Christ movie. The diminutive antipodean is the consumate showman, Elmer Gantry mit boomerang, having motivated half the planet to flock to the multiplex in reverent awe and half to stomp indignantly to the ticket booth in order to spend two gruesome hours incandesent with rage. Love it or hate it, the Passion of the Christ has people both talking and handing over cash to see it.

I for one have not plunked down seven bucks to watch this Aramaic bondage movie. For one thing, I'm still boycotting the Brit-hating Gibson for the counter-factual The Patriot and Braveheart (turning the other cheek doesn't mean flapping the arse of your kilt, wee Mel.) Besides, I have no desire to sully my reverent awe of the greatest biblical epic ever made, The Life of Brian. Still, it pains me to see Gibbo having to defend his art against charges of anti-semitism and bigotry, if only because I dread seeing what his remake of D.W. Griffith's Intolerance would be like ("G'Day mate; we're the Ku Klux Klan!")

Gibson has sought to point out the sympathetic Jewish characters in the movie and has even cut the line where the Virgin Mary laments that all of Jesus's classmates went on to be doctors or lawyers but he had to be the messiah. Agahst that the "Jews of Mass Destruction" he portrays on the screen couldn't be found in the Bible, Mel has offered to make amends by directing a movie about the brave defenders of Massada, possibly with Billy Bob Thornton as Maccabaeus. To my mind, he doesn't have to commit the time or money to such a project. He could easily restore his image with non-insanely evangelical world by allowing a remake by a different Mel, as in Mel Brooks.

By allowing us to laugh at racism in Blazing Saddles and facism in The Producers, Mel Brooks helped remove the "monster under the bed" aspect and allowed us to see in part how pathetic, ludicrous, and laughable those discredited belief systems are. Imagine then what Brooks could do with anti-semitism if he had a whole film to skewer it with, rather than just a dance number in History of the World, Part One.

The beauty of it is that because so many of The Passion's devotees consider mainstream cinema to be the work of satan, Brook's doesn't even have to write a new script, and can instead just cobble together bits of his previous films into a new whole presented in aramaic, latin, and yiddish.

With Jackie Mason or Brooks himself as Christ you are guaranteed a mensch of a savior. I see either a Max Byalistock or Hedley Lamarr type as Pilate, and maybe a Mungo in the Judas role ("Forty-pieces-of-sliver-gram for Mister Mungo!") Imagine the disciples enjoying a last supper punctuated by uncontrolled farting. Mary Magdelene (played by Madeline Kahn) singing "Sick and Tired of Love." Maybe even a Jesus who holds a hammer to his own head shouting "Nobody move or the Jew gets it!" Ah yes, it's good to be the Christ.

With Brooks on board, there is a chance that the Passion could become the biggest apostolic musical since Jesus Christ, Superstar. Who could resist singing along with "Springtime for Jesus, in Galilee"?

Keep your fingers crossed that the Australian midget with more accent confusion than Madonna sees the light and plumps for this Mel Brooks' version. The only alternative would be to turn to Woody Allen, and if you think the Christian right hate Jewish people now, wait till after they have seen their savior as an aging neurotic nebbish with an implausibly young girlfriend and jokes that weren't fuuny in 1967.