Stumped for Gifts? 09

After much hoo-haa and fannying about, I am proud to present this year's burnt offering on the altar of rubbish commerce:

Stumped for Gifts? 09
Traditionally, I have always started the Stumped for Gifts? guide with a present idea that is in tune with the religious underpinnings of Christmas. This year is no exception, and I am proud to suggest The Cockney Bible:


I sincerely hope it contains the phrase, "Judas, you effin slag".

*******
Political gifts are always good fun, especially those in dubious taste. Here's a classic rife with not so hidden symbolism:


The Maggie Thatcher nutcracker. As we are dealing in stereotypes, I await with trepidation the "Once you go Barak, you never go back" lemon zester.

*******
Stave of the realization that you will never marry and that other people think you smell of cat pee and tinned food by immersing yourself in the pet fantasy:


How Cunning is Your Cat? What a concept. According to the product information: A series of 9 tests to determine just how cunning your cat really is. Tests include: testing your moggy's curiosity, body image and intelligence. A free catnip mouse has been included to give Tibbs a bit of encouragement. Suitable for cats.

Of course, we know cats aren't cunning. They are instead the pure distillation of evil.

*******
Since childhood I've been a sucker for ads that start "Amaze your friends, shock your spouse, or co-workers...". That said, I'm not sure if slip on "Tattoo Sleeves" are for me:


Although the sellers raise a good point in this troubled economy: Now you can get "inked" by night and still keep your day job with our amazingly cool "tattoo sleeves".
Wondering how it works? Me neither, but just in case: the tattoo is printed directly on the stretchable fabric sleeves fabric which is a machine washable nylon. And now you know.

*******
I always like a gift that does what it says on the tin:



*******
And finally, if anyone wants to get a gift that will enable siblings to play board games against each other without cheating or fighting for the first time in their lifetimes (I know of which I type), might I suggest Choc-opoly?


As the makers say, In Chocolate-opoly players buy favorite chocolate properties, collect chunks of chocolate and trade them in for chocolate factories

*******
On a final holiday note, the season of goodwill to all even extends in one instance from me to Britain's vilest newspaper, The Daily Mail if only in this solitary instance. With clenched teeth, I present the Mail's (unintentionally?) hilarious account of a debacle at a Christmas-centric theme park:

Furious parents attack Santa and his elves as tempers fray at Winter 'blunderland' theme park
As tempers fray, it seems this little corner of Lapland, which opened on the Dorset-Hampshire border at the weekend, is going from mudbath to bloodbath. One security guard, who obligingly told visitors at the gate they were about to be 'ripped off', quit after being hit on the head by one who didn't appreciate the advice....

Happy holidays!

Weasel's Black Friday to follow soon

Be aware: the annual "Stumped for Gifts?" holiday gift guide will soon be making its appearance on these pages.

Begin the clipping of the coupons.

Stumped for Gifts? 2005

Stumped for Gifts? 2006

Stumped for Gifts? 2007

Sure Fire Money Maker

As many folk report, iPhone mania is poised to sweep the nation. Apple is all set to cash in, with their phones costing between $500 and $600. Their exclusive cell service provider AT&T is also looking at a hefty payday, as monthly payments on the mandatory two year contract will average in the hundred dollar range. But what about the consumer? Admittedly, they'll have a pretty cool phone, albeit with less memory than an iPod and annoyingly ingratiating mac software, and they'll be able to show their associates that they have wads of cash to waste on a plastic box with ringing pictograms but its a hell of a leap to make on faith.

Therefore, we here at Shrimp Garnish Industries are proud to announce the:

iPhoney

Why spend hundreds? Why get locked into a bogus contract? Why get all excited about features you will use exactly once? Let's drill down to why you want an iphone: because you are either a poseur or a susceptible git who fell for "Tickle Me Elmo" too. What you want is a cool looking lump of plastic to wear on your belt (next to your replica lightsabre, perhaps); a lump that makes noises and you can hold to your ear in public.

Don't spend hundreds- get an iPhoney!!!

Your iPhoney includes:
A phone from our broad selection of recycled units and:

A futuristic looking "skin", replete with shapes in primary colours, places to stick passport sized headshots of your friends, and cheap plasticy sounding noises that could be personalized ring tones.

Only a true spod will be able to tell the difference, so if anyone says that your iPhoney isn't a genuine iPhone all you have to do is point at them while yelling "Spod! Spod! Bet you're a virgin! Spod! Spod!" until they shrivel up from embarrassment.

Don't be fooled by slick marketing telling you that you need something to accomplish tasks that up until about 6 years ago you were perfectly content to do by dropping coins into a payphone, with pen and paper, by standard email, or face-to-face. Get an iPhoney instead.

Special offer- order your iphoney in the next ten minutes and get a free can of "Apple Mac(e)"; the personal protection spray incorporating smart targeting technology. Spray it in a crowded room and the pepper spray stream will only target those in ironic t-shirts with Jimmy Fallon hairdos, leaving the PC users unharmed.

Overland Express

6 grand US all-in, leather, anti locks, bish-bosh, the works
Occasionally I think I'm working in the wrong part of my field. Working for an organisation at the coal face is pants when I could be working at the mid-level admin stage, blethering on about "coalitions" and using more acronyms than a NASA engineer.

I was sitting in the window-less function room of a non-descript roadside motel all day yesterday, trying to figure out how to best share information on s*bst*nce ab*se pr*v*ntion pr*gr*ms among various agencies and organisations that work with the public directly in a manner appropriate to a small and widely dispersed population like Maine's. At one point I was listening to my group brainstorm, paitiently waiting for them to get to the service delivery bit so that I could add my two pennies worth, when one of them made a very popular suggestion.

"Why don't we have a convention?" She said, adding "We could take two days, get everybody together and meet under the theme of 'Celebrating our Successes'!"

While everyone else went batshit ecstatic about the idea- "Oooh! A convention! Two days! With booths!"- I wearily began cataloging all the work I wasn't getting done while sitting pretending to actively consider whether or not we should set the convention date then the convention budget, or vice versa.

"Bear Grylls doesn't have to put up with this." I thought to myself. "I'm gasping for a ciggie and could really use a drink."

Sensing that the discussion wasn't going anywhere while the colour of the backdrop behind the keynoter's podium at the still-imaginary convention was still under deliberation, I retreated into my head for a bit to ponder a plan I had started to form while reading The Economist in the karzi before heading out that morning.

According to the business and finance section, China's domestic car makers are turning out knock-off models of popular Japanese, European and US marques at blistering speeds (100 new models were rolled out in China this year alone). Also, thanks to government subsidies brand new cars (like the fully loaded Shanghai Maple pictured above) sell for pennies on the dollar when compared with their US counterparts. They are also left hand drive. Furthermore, due to the relative affordability of brand new cars there is little in the way of a second hand market, which means I could even pick up something like this for a song (complete with ambasadorial/commissarial flags):



All I would have to then is either drive it onto a ship in Shanghai or drive it overland across Asia and Europe and then load it as cargo bound for the east coast of the US.

What I need to figure out is that with the flight to China, import/export duties, road tax, gas, and sea freight from either Shanghai to Los Angeles or Rotterdam to Boston would I still come out ahead versus the more mundane purchasing experience here in the United States? And would I be able to time my trip in order to regretfully miss the convention?

Most Unfortunate, Given Recent Headlines

I noticed to my slight horror this morning that with my unruly hair combed into a work-appropriate place with the help of wax and with my sunglasses on I look like an orange version of Kim Jong Il.