Monday, December 04, 2006

Stumped for Gifts? 2006

After the warm reception given to the inaugural edition of the Stumped For Gifts? holiday present guide in these pages last year, I thought I'd blow the dust off the ol' concept and return with a whole new selection of wonderful Chanakwanzamas items guaranteed to warm the hearts of your nearest and dearest.

First, from Ebay's "Slightly Unusual" category, we present:

Case Of 200 Inch Rubber Items 2x2: use of product is not known.

I'm not going to include the photo but they aren't what you think they are, you filthy gits.

Those of you with a Christian bent can get a bit tweaky about the secularization of the holiday you lifted from the Romans. The oppression you feel is quite understandable with you being the majority in the United States and still the most subscribed-to religion in the world after all. So why not put the Christ back into Christmas while garnering loot, with this adorable stocking?


Of course, by putting this up you do commit to handing over at least 10% of your presents to some garrulous happy clappy conjurer wearing a clerical collar but you can't have everything.

If it is the more secular emotion of false pride you look for in a gift, or if you want to to take pity on your spotty teenaged nephew, there is always another Ebay offering: A personalized letter & photo from your hot girlfriend. Choose from one of two make-believe love interests:


Phwooaaaahh! As we Britons are wont to say.

If someone on your list likes bringing entertainment to kids of all ages or is a sick and twisted fursuit fancier, why not hook them up with a facsimile of the various costumes shown on this page?

Sports-Mascots.co.uk (scroll down)

One of the following is supposed to be a shrimp but as for the other, who knows. Its Belgian, that's all I can say for certain:


And is the Welsh club Merthyr Tydfill really represented by something called "Shaggy the Sheep"? Poor buggers (sic).

Finally, every family has at least one person who could benefit from this gift idea. It may look like like an ordinary pillow, but it ain't. This simple looking staple is in fact a piece of high tech engineering at it's finest; the GasBGon Flatulence Odor Control Seat Cushion - Signature Series. as one review states;

"This cushion really does the trick. Instead of a direct inhalation, it's more like gently wafting the odor and no one is the wiser, except you of course (wink)."

So happy whatever you celebrate, and while getting ready to kick up your heels with your nearest-and-dearest (or alternatively, a frozen dinner for one and a bottle of cooking sherry) spare a thought for Santa, menaced by chavs.

5 comments:

FlyingRodent said...

Good point Weasel, I'm inclined to spend my Christmas in the traditional Roman manner, i.e. rummaging through chicken entrails trying to divine omens for the coming year.

youthlarge said...

dan and i had decided not to do gifts this year, but i think i may just have to surprise him.

weasel said...

YL, you could give your fellah a holiday treat with this darling Chanukah bustier. Just watch his dreidel spin.

FR, I always wondered what my mother was doing on Christmas day, muttering curses at the bird while clutching the giblet bag.

weasel's Cuzzen Jim said...

Hmm. You'll have seen this then?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6213644.stm

What kind of 'unspecified medical condition' might that be?

Anyhoo, I want one of these for xmas:

http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&d=PALL&p=1&u=%2Fnetahtml%2FPTO%2Fsrchnum.htm&r=1&f=G&l=50&s1=6,055,910.PN.&OS=PN/6,055,910&RS=PN/6,055,910

weasel said...

I'm confused- do you just fuel the rocket from your bottom or do you launch it from there? If it is the latter a fellow Caledonia resident of yours, one Flying Rodent, wrote of the perils of such an approach recently.

As for the unidentified complaint, one shudders to guess, but one notes that our family seems unusually afflicted.

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