Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Stumped for Gifts? 09

After much hoo-haa and fannying about, I am proud to present this year's burnt offering on the altar of rubbish commerce:

Stumped for Gifts? 09

Traditionally, I have always started the Stumped for Gifts? guide with a present idea that is in tune with the religious underpinnings of Christmas. This year is no exception, and I am proud to suggest The Cockney Bible:


I sincerely hope it contains the phrase, "Judas, you effin slag".

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Political gifts are always good fun, especially those in dubious taste. Here's a classic rife with not so hidden symbolism:


The Maggie Thatcher nutcracker. As we are dealing in stereotypes, I await with trepidation the "Once you go Barak, you never go back" lemon zester.

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Stave of the realization that you will never marry and that other people think you smell of cat pee and tinned food by immersing yourself in the pet fantasy:


How Cunning is Your Cat? What a concept. According to the product information: A series of 9 tests to determine just how cunning your cat really is. Tests include: testing your moggy's curiosity, body image and intelligence. A free catnip mouse has been included to give Tibbs a bit of encouragement. Suitable for cats.

Of course, we know cats aren't cunning. They are instead the pure distillation of evil.

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Since childhood I've been a sucker for ads that start "Amaze your friends, shock your spouse, or co-workers...". That said, I'm not sure if slip on "Tattoo Sleeves" are for me:


Although the sellers raise a good point in this troubled economy: Now you can get "inked" by night and still keep your day job with our amazingly cool "tattoo sleeves".
Wondering how it works? Me neither, but just in case: the tattoo is printed directly on the stretchable fabric sleeves fabric which is a machine washable nylon. And now you know.

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I always like a gift that does what it says on the tin:



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And finally, if anyone wants to get a gift that will enable siblings to play board games against each other without cheating or fighting for the first time in their lifetimes (I know of which I type), might I suggest Choc-opoly?


As the makers say, In Chocolate-opoly players buy favorite chocolate properties, collect chunks of chocolate and trade them in for chocolate factories

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On a final holiday note, the season of goodwill to all even extends in one instance from me to Britain's vilest newspaper, The Daily Mail if only in this solitary instance. With clenched teeth, I present the Mail's (unintentionally?) hilarious account of a debacle at a Christmas-centric theme park:

Furious parents attack Santa and his elves as tempers fray at Winter 'blunderland' theme park
As tempers fray, it seems this little corner of Lapland, which opened on the Dorset-Hampshire border at the weekend, is going from mudbath to bloodbath. One security guard, who obligingly told visitors at the gate they were about to be 'ripped off', quit after being hit on the head by one who didn't appreciate the advice....


Happy holidays!

5 comments:

Pisces Iscariot said...

You're a strange and wonderful man weasel

Wisdom Weasel said...

Thanks Pisces- and you are the finest surrealist East Anglian poet I know.

kristin said...

Awesome, except you left out this gem:

http://www.wowzzers.com/product_info.php?products_id=514

"Next time your judgement is impaired, possibly from drinking too much with friends, you may find yourself holding onto this odd little device"

Wisdom Weasel said...

I think the best lines in the description are as follows:

" As with all of our shocking toys, they can cause interference with electrical devices such as pacemakers. Do not use if you or anyone you know suffer from epilepsy or any similar illnesses, and not suitable for pregnant women."

RPS said...

I believe I would be content with a mere yodelling pickle, but the fact that it's electronic makes things even more glorious. (If only I had $14.99 to my name...)

And yes, when the item description says, "Check out these related products," you think, what could possibly be related to a yodelling pickle? Hint: it involves hopping lederhosen.

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