Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Sure Fire Money Maker

As many folk report, iPhone mania is poised to sweep the nation. Apple is all set to cash in, with their phones costing between $500 and $600. Their exclusive cell service provider AT&T is also looking at a hefty payday, as monthly payments on the mandatory two year contract will average in the hundred dollar range. But what about the consumer? Admittedly, they'll have a pretty cool phone, albeit with less memory than an iPod and annoyingly ingratiating mac software, and they'll be able to show their associates that they have wads of cash to waste on a plastic box with ringing pictograms but its a hell of a leap to make on faith.

Therefore, we here at Shrimp Garnish Industries are proud to announce the:
Why spend hundreds? Why get locked into a bogus contract? Why get all excited about features you will use exactly once? Let's drill down to why you want an iphone: because you are either a poseur or a susceptible git who fell for "Tickle Me Elmo" too. What you want is a cool looking lump of plastic to wear on your belt (next to your replica lightsabre, perhaps); a lump that makes noises and you can hold to your ear in public.

Don't spend hundreds- get an iPhoney!!!

Your iPhoney includes:
A phone from our broad selection of recycled units and:

A futuristic looking "skin", replete with shapes in primary colours, places to stick passport sized headshots of your friends, and cheap plasticy sounding noises that could be personalized ring tones.

Only a true spod will be able to tell the difference, so if anyone says that your iPhoney isn't a genuine iPhone all you have to do is point at them while yelling "Spod! Spod! Bet you're a virgin! Spod! Spod!" until they shrivel up from embarrassment.

Don't be fooled by slick marketing telling you that you need something to accomplish tasks that up until about 6 years ago you were perfectly content to do by dropping coins into a payphone, with pen and paper, by standard email, or face-to-face. Get an iPhoney instead.

Special offer- order your iphoney in the next ten minutes and get a free can of "Apple Mac(e)"; the personal protection spray incorporating smart targeting technology. Spray it in a crowded room and the pepper spray stream will only target those in ironic t-shirts with Jimmy Fallon hairdos, leaving the PC users unharmed.

1 comment:

mainelife said...

I'm in, so long as you keep the Mac(e).....(I drink of the Apple kool-aid at least once a week)