Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Much Anticipated Holiday Gift Guide 2007

For the past two years it has been my distinct honour to offer up a humble selections of goodies that might appeal to readers in search of gift ideas for their loved ones. This year let us brook no exception, and plunge (collectively weeping) into:

Wisdom Weasel's Holiday Gift Guide, 2007.
Yeah, He hath spoken typed

I did make that bit above blink but it was really annoying. Lets get to the gifts!

If you have to tolerate a numismatist in your life why not annoy the hell out of them with fake coins? Specifically, fake state quarters. My personal pick is Texas:

Although New York flipping everyone off is pretty good too.

For those of you resigned to eating fish on Friday and taking contraceptive advice from an elderly German who believes wankentuggen to be a mortal sin, why not wow the ladies with the whiff of Pope? Not Alexander Pope, but rather Pope Pius IX's cologne.

You'll need the Swiss Guards to beat back the horde of mitre-hungry women.

Too phallocentric? Well, here's one for the ladies. Celebrate the fact that your leg hair is so long it's growing out on your moustache and a hairy mole just by your left ear with a Velvet Vulva purse. Not only does the bag have the power to render you unable to spell the word "magical", it also will separate the true new men from the boys at the local whole food co-op. If said fellow can look at your purse without blushing or grimacing he is truly worthy to worship at your musk temple. Buy yourself one today for winter solstice, because chances are if you are considering this purse your significant other is either made of plastic or is an utter wuss.

Now if that was all too much for the hairy knuckled bloke types out there, rinse your memory clean with these:

Shower Breasts: no better way to show you are single (and to stay that way).

Everyone has a drunk who is near death in their family. Instead of all those tiresome interventions and drying out clinics, why not bow to the inevitable and buy the old sot one of these:

Chances are you'll get it back in the will, given that old drunks are pretty sentimental, so think of it less as a gift and more as a deferred investment.

Love installation art? Love music? Hate Italians? Get one of these.

If you happen to be a Scottish born leader of a G-8 nation eager to win back the respect of your electorate while putting clear blue water between yourself and your predecessor, why not invest in a poisoned chalice? Give Basra back to the sectarianly divided Iraqis. You'll get less of these:

But those poor sods in Southern Iraq will get more of these:

But they are used to it, eh? And now that Belfast has gone quiet, we Brits need somewhere for urban warfare training. I mean, without a divided and violent city to wade into occasionally, how are we going to trumpet our peacekeeping expertise?

OK, finally (thank god, eh?): for the person who has everything, facial lunch meat!

Merry Christmas!


And in return for all of this, if you want to get me a present, track down the region 1 DVD of this:


mike said...

That lunch meat is horrific. Nightmare-inducing horrific.

weasel said...

Clown Spam® doesn't appeal? Some Canadian you are.

Globus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Globus said...

globus liked this post. not sure about liking the spam though. good find!

Mondale said...

DamBusters. You made me cry.

The Mole said...

Dan, my boy...
Your options are;
1. To search the States for their version which is probably doctored to show that Guy Gibson and the rest of the squadron were Americans and that Barnes Wallis was a wacky inventor from Delaware. Remember what they claimed in Enigma?
2. Buy yourself a region 2 DVD player and I will send the film to you.
3. Wait for the new version that is coming out written by Stephen Fry soon and watch that on TV.

Hope that this helps

weasel said...

Thank you Mole. For that, a free pair of shower breasts.