This is not a baseball blog 23 (I think)

Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba (in middle)

Red Sox co-owner Tom Werner who seemed to have radio ear muffs on all weekend.

This is not a baseball blog #I've forgotten

It wouldn't be baseball season without at least one of these:

Bond villain Hugo Drax from Moonraker

Red Sox 3rd Baseman Mike Lowell

Damn

The patent absurdity of grown men playing a kid's game for millions and millions of dollars just became a little less enjoyable for me with this news.

He was an egotistical, selfish, and whiny man who allowed his image to be coopted to lend a sheen of rebellion to a megalithic sports corporation. But we knew that, and somewhow he was still fun- and sometimes awe-inspiring- to watch. And now I have to endure seeing him sit next to Joe Torre yucking it up in the dugout (pinestripes or no, its still an image that makes me want to vomit).

Bye Manny, you talented douche.

This is Not a Baseball Blog 21

Both men frail, very frail.

Red Sox principal owner John Henry

C. Montgomery Burns
.

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 20

In a fitting tribute to the roots of this feature, this one comes from my darling wife Country Mouse. Watching the Red Sox in morning baseball action yesterday, my beloved took one look at pitching phenom Clay Buchholz* and announced:

"Clay Buchholz is a lady".

You be the judge:
A Lady...

Clay Buchholz

(*Her irrational whipping-boy of the 2008 season: last year it was Wakefield, in 2006 Papelbon)

Its That Time of Year Again

Bill Norris, the man who put the sex in Tex Mex, is a Yankees fan. I am a Red Sox fan. For a couple of years now, we have been operating under the following rules throughout the baseball season whenever the Sox and Yankees meet:

"So, I propose some sort of bet, to be played out here and in his own pages. Not anything of monetary consequence, as I am poor and he's soon to be betrothed, but rather something visual, to be blogged, a picture perhaps, of Wisdom sporting an "I Heart Jeter" shirt should the Yankees win the series and something equally mortifying to me in these pages should the unthinkable happen and the Red Sox win.

Then, as the season progresses, we can continue this, in the spirit of good natured ribbing and mutual mortification.

I'm willing to take suggestions on the terms, keeping in mind that the embarrassing gesture need be: a) cheap, b) easily blogged and c) funny."

This Friday the 2007 World Series champion Boston Red Sox meet the team that couldn't beat Cleveland for the first time this season. Its a three game series and by Sunday night either Bill or myself will have egg on our faces.

I already have a forfeit on hand (thanks to BioChris's eagle eyes) but both Bill and I feel the challenge needs a shake up. So we are soliciting suitable punishments from you all. If you follow the "betting" tag you'll see what we have done in the past. Be creative and keep it legal in Texas.

On to Friday, and victory!

Let's Go Celtics

Regarding tonight's Superbowl: Tom Brady had better protection when he was screwing Bridget Moynahan.


Congratulations, New York Giants. Pitchers and catchers report February 14th, Yankees suck.

That is all.

If You Don't Stop It, You'll Go Blind

President Bush yesterday, commenting on the Mitchell Report into steroid use in professional baseball:

"I understand the impact that professional athletes can have on our nation's youth. I just urge those in the public spotlight, particularly athletes, to understand that when they violate their bodies, they're sending a terrible signal to America's youth."

Did the president just call major league ballplayers a bunch of wankers? Although hairy palms can lead to a poor grip on either the bat or split-fingered fastball.

"Hey Laura! I hear some of the black players have got ones this big!"

The Mitchell Report

Gagne Proves Steroids Don't Work

Reporters Ask Pettitte, "When Would Jesus Juice?"

Clemens Insists he's a Natural Asshole: No Need to Take Drugs To Get That Way

In other news:

• A Rod ruins complete strangers' day by announcing new bat endorsement deal in middle of their wedding.
• Baseball's Steroid Era: ESPN pundits blame Belichick, Patriots.
• Mike Mussina insists "Moose Tracks" refers to ice cream, not injection sites
• Youkilis' chin under scrutiny: illegal facial Rogaine use?

(For my British and overseas chums, The Mitchell Report )

Just a Few Months Until the Grapefruit League...

Thank you, Bobby Kielty, thank you.

Mid Series (?) Musings

Ahh, Boston vs. the house softball team of some anonymous charismatic evangelical megachurch (or at least that's what their uniforms and haircuts suggest). Of such match ups Word Series magic is made...

I see the Colorado fans have decided to adopt the towel thing:

Although to me it looks like a white flag. Nice to see a change from the flags one normally associates with the name "Coors" however:


At this point I hear you ask- "why is he so bitter? His team is 3 games up in the World Series and very likely to close the deal tonight. Why hate on the Colorado fans?"

Because chums, I find it bitterly ironic that for me to get a ticket- 1 ticket- to see Boston involves hours of fruitless labour at the computer, intense travel planning, and an over-the-odds purchase from a scalper. Fenway has been sold out for every game since the 2004 season. Meanwhile Coors Field is half-empty most of the year but now- quelle surprise- everyone in Denver is a Rockies fan. But, please note, not so much of a fan that they brought their own signs in to the ball park but rather gamely held the pre-printed banners that one assumes were created by the Rockies PR team. How lame where those banner-signs? How lame are those fans? 50,000 seats and they were still out-cheered by the small New England contingent. Nothing good has come out of Denver since Mork.

**********************************************
Tim McCarver and Joe Buck of Fox TV and Joe Morgan and John Miller of ESPN are killing me. Lads, if Manny couldn't field he'd be a DH. If Papi couldn't play 1st base it is unlikely that Francona would have started him there. There is no such thing as a "gyroball"- it is a barely breaking screw ball. Pedroia is actually 5'9" and almost 200lbs- hardly a midget. While all outs are important, to describe the third batter striking out in the first with no runs in and nobody on base as a "crucial out" is a bit hyperbolic, so stop doing it every time. McCarver, I don't who told you to base your on-mic persona on Fred Willard, but I can assure you they were putting you on. Joe Morgan: nobody wants to know about all the work you do for charity during the game, tell us about it afterwards via a press release or something. Buck, you are a puppet who trades on your father's name. Miller, get off the valium- you sound like an avuncular Steven Wright.

And all of you: I know you see a lot of teams throughout the season and therefore may not be up on the intricacies of the Sox and the Rockies, but please stop pre-scipting your talking points before the game, I beg you.

You would think that if Fox and ESPN would muscle out the local broadcast networks we fans have been watching and listening to all season long they would make an effort to be either watchable or listenable, but no.

*******************************************
Finally, it is wicked odd to be watching a Boston team that doesn't resemble the Titanic for the second time in 4 years. Something snapped in New England back in 2004 and I think I like the way it broke.

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 19: Special Bonus Eve of the World Series Edition

Today's looky-likey, as suggested by my spousal unit:

The surprisingly tall (2 feet, 2 inches) Scout Mouse-Weasel, scrappy brawler with barely any hair;

The surprisingly tall (5 feet, 9 inches) Dustin Pedroia, scrappy brawler with barely any hair.

On an unrelated note, here are some of the most recent keyword searches that lead people to Wisdom Weasel:

i have scrubbed a carpet and ruined it. reptilians king juan carlos. what can i use om my carpet to get rid of human urine smell. flomax ad with the sausage. go see bruce springsteen before he has his accident. east midlands england's new jersey. finger goggles.

And my favorite:

genuine bra tickling beans. Keep on googling, weirdos.

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 18

Nice to see the long lost baseball playing Wilson brother back at Fenway last night to throw out the first pitch:

Not To Get Ahead Of Ourselves, But...

Let's go Red Sox.



More of this please Mike

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 17

One has a lot of time to think while waiting for customers at a yard sale. I sat on my porch yesterday morning, feeling the first chill of autumn brush Maine and thinking about the splendid game of baseball. In particular I was musing on our Boston Red Sox, the pride of New England, and how allegedly fearsome bat JD Drew has the look of one of the club house God Botherers. I know nothing of his religious learnings but he has a youth pastor goatee and eerie calm in the midst of a long season of suckitude; prime signs of one who will kneel beside Schilling, Varitek, and Wakefield to welcome their personal savior while Manny Ramirez spits sunflower seeds at them.

"Uncle Terry's Traveling Revival Show" I thought to myself, pausing to ponder how famously lumpen yet optimistic Red Sox manager Terry Francona dealt with brazen displays of Christian humbug from these men playing a child's game for a living. Then it hit me: Terry Francona IS Wallace, of Wallace & Grommit fame. To whit:

Wallace

Francona

I can easily see Francona padding about in his pajamas with a big mug of cocoa (that has "Cocoa" written on it), being pleasantly surprised at finding an unexpected cracker in a packet he thought was empty and hitting the sack with a copy of Popular Mechanics and his teddy bear no later than 10pm in the off season. He is no more troubled by the impact of overt religiosity on team dynamics than he is by global warming: such things are beyond his purview and have yet to penetrate his fuzzy and cheerful little world.

For some reason, this image warms my heart.

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 16

The Cleveland Indians are in Boston, which means a return to el norte for ex-Sox and long-time fan favorite-slash-born again christian pig-pen, Trot Nixon:

Trot Nixon

Deputy Junior from TV's "Reno 911"

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 15

Last year I noticed that Kevin Youkilis of the Boston Red Sox resembled Popeye when at bat. Youk grew a beard in the off-season, and as a consequence he now resembles Bluto:

The big hearted, givin'-it-his-all Kevin Youkilis


Popeye's nemesis, Bluto
If next year Youk shows up with his hair in a bun, knobby knees, and signs of dramatic weight loss I think that will indicate that he plans on hitting for the Popeye cycle.

In other baseball news, the Sox dropped the last series to the Yankees. I now await my forfeit from Bill Norris with more trepidation than the prospect of those poo-filled nappies/daipers that wait me in my immediate future.

On a happier note however, I am very impressed with some of the search terms that have been leading people to this blog. I am humbled to think that I might be among the premier web destinations for updates for people who "hate swedes", who are interested in "three legged frog(s)", who have canine issues along the lines of "my dog ruined my carpet", or who want to know who holds the "world record for longest projectile vomit". Keep looking, seekers!

This is Not a Baseball Blog 14

Time once again for another visit with the ever-popular looky-likey feature, "This is Not a Baseball Blog".

This round's contestants are:

NESN's Boston Red Sox TV announcers Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy

Johnny and Nick from MTV's "Celebrity Death Match".
Also, can anyone within the NESN coverage area confirm Country Mouse's suspicion that Jerry Remy is so full of Botox that his forehead could be declared a superfund site?

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 13

Lots to get to this week, including the outcome of the first baseball challenge of the year with Bill Norris (I won). It was a busy weekend in an increasingly busy life of a Weasel, so please show me some forebearance as I catch up with myself and hopefully my blogging responsibilities. In the interim, I am please to offer up the return of a feature almost as old as these collective postings, a little lookylikey contest we call "this is not a baseball blog":

Friday night's Red Auerbach-honouring, bizarrely costumed Red Sox;

Some Christmas trees

This Is Not A Baseball Blog 12a

RPS, proprietor of the Pine Tree Curtain and frequent contributor to a raft of magazines (including recently a Maine true crime spy caper from WW2), is what the Mods of old would have called an "Ace Face". We have been pals a long time, ever since he came into my old office in the basement of the Bar Harbor Town Hall and told me that it used to be his space and that it also used to house the urinals when the building was a high school. I am still always greatly touched by his thoughtful gestures of kindness, not least this week when he made one of my recent wishes come true and made me my own Popeye Youkilis: