Million Dollar Idea

With the mercury approaching 90 degrees here in midcoast Maine I was flicking through the LL Bean catalogue when I was struck by a potentially hugely profitable idea. Here's the pitch.

I see from the pages of everyone's favorite outdoor outfitter that convertible trousers (figure 1) remain popular among hikers. However, it dawned on me that the ability to turn a pair of long breeks into shorts does nothing to address two issues- dispelling core body heat and protecting one from the menace of ticks. Therefore I am going to suggest to LL Bean that they sell each pair of convertible trousers with a pair of extra long braces, or suspenders (figure two). The final cooling yet insect free ensemble will resemble figure three, but without the fashion-forward Tin Man accouterments or skintight-edness. Bish bosh, all that's left is the counting of the money.

LL Bean- call me (unless you are still mad about my idea for a Maine rapper/ Hip-hop mascot for your flagship store, LL Bean J. I still maintain "Straight out of Cushing, crazy clamdigger called Bean J" would have had you in like Flynn among the urban set, a la Timberland or Hillfiger).

Figure One:


Figure Two:


Figure Three:

The Full Monty Has a Lot to Answer For

Just look at the size of his chopper
From the BBC:

Firefighters mistaken for strip show
"A group of firefighters were mobbed by women who thought they were part of the act when they arrived to tackle a blaze during a strip show. Female fans clapped the firefighters at a pub in St Helens, Merseyside.

"One lady shouted, we have got our money's worth here," said watch manager Paul Costello.

The fire was accidentally started by a stripper using lighter fluid in his act. One person was hospitalised with smoke inhalation...."

God alone knows how these women react every time they see a pair of mall security guards, walk past a building site, or glance at muscular men trying on velcro-sided trousers. Wang-hungry northern slatterns out of their heads on Diamond White and black market Embassy Number Ones, the lot of them.

In Candlepin Bowling You Have Three Balls

In the first post of last weekend about the toboggan championships, Wes noted that "Those of you who reside in Maine definitely think of odd ways to pass the winter".

Thanks to my friend Richard I am able to share details of another Maine winter pursuit, albeit one best suited to indoors.

Nude bowlers breaking no laws in Old Town
By Aimee Dolloff, Tuesday, January 30, 2007 - Bangor Daily News


OLD TOWN - They wore bowling shoes, but nothing else.

Some nudists who have been renting the Old Town Bowling Center for private parties don’t appear to be breaking any laws or ordinances, but they are having fun candlepin bowling and playing pool.

"Hey, you can’t go skinny-dipping at this time of year," said Hessa, who organized the events and wanted to be identified only by her first name.

During the three events the Bare Nekkid Mainers have held in the center since September, the one-story building at 185 Center St. was closed, its windows and doors were covered in paper, and signs announced that a private party was in progress.

"I have absolutely no problem with it, and I hope nobody else does," Charles "Chip" Carson, the center’s owner, said Monday. "They just happen to like having a good time without their clothes on."

On Jan. 20, a man apparently ignored the signs and entered the center with his 8-year-old son. "I tried to stop him," Hessa said Monday. "He walked through two doors that were covered in paper and had signs." He apparently saw a nude male playing pool. Disgusted, the visitor went to police.

"One of our officers went over there to check," Old Town police Capt. Kyle Smart said Monday. Police found no violations, and after checking with the city attorney and municipal officials, they concluded there has been no wrongdoing. The doors can’t be locked for fire and life safety reasons when people are inside, but Hessa said the group plans to post someone at the door at all times for future events.

"The only thing we’re not sure of is there may be some issues where they have a liquor license," Smart said. Carson said he checked with the state liquor commission and found no restrictions. He added that no one under 21 is served beer, but that food and alcohol are served with proper identification. Anyone under age 18 must be accompanied by an adult, Hessa noted.

"Evidently, there’s nothing in our ordinances," City Clerk Patty Brochu said. Nudity falls under a business’ special amusement permit, which the bowling center isn’t required to have. Because the events are private parties where people must RSVP and be placed on a list to enter, it’s not necessary to obtain such a permit.

"The big fear is that if this is allowed, how far does it escalate and how many liberties can other people take?" City Manager Peggy Daigle said Monday. The city has contacted the state liquor commission to ensure there wasn’t an issue, but hadn’t received a reply as of Monday evening.

Hessa said she hopes that no one tries to create new laws or ordinances because of the group’s activities. "We’re not doing anything sexually explicit, and we’re not out there doing it on Main Street," she said. About 60 households belong to Bare Nekkid Mainers, and 30 to 40 people have participated in each bowling event in Old Town. As self-described naturist nudists, the Bare Nekkid Mainers belong to an international nudist organization and participate in nudist events throughout the year.

The group used to bowl in Albion, but that venue has closed. Hessa said the group has been looking for a new facility ever since. "There’s no sexual overtones in any way," Hessa said. "We just like to do things a little different, and it’s all just plain fun."

People come from as far as 150 miles away for the naked bowling in Old Town, Hessa said. Some get hotel rooms for the night, and she stressed that they spend money on food and other amenities while they’re here. "Economically, it’s tourism at its best," she said.

Carson was notified by one of his employees last September that the event had been booked and that extra help would be needed for the event.

"I kind of chuckled a little bit and said, ‘I’ll be there,’" Carson said. "I’m not ashamed of anything," He turns the thermostat up to make his patrons more comfortable. The event is handled like any private party, such as a birthday or retirement gathering, he said.

"It was odd for me, too," said Carson, who has been working at bowling lanes since he was 12. As for business, there hasn’t been any impact now that word has gotten out. After all, it is a private party, Carson stressed. "Everybody’s laughed at it, to be honest with you," he said. "These people are the cleanest people that you’ve ever met in your life."

Each participant brings a towel to sit on, and they all clean up after themselves.

"I wish every group was this clean," Carson said. "If people’s minds wander, turn it off. Nothing happens at all."

Crunching Tackle

The housewives of Bogota used stake their housekeeping money on whether Carlos's carpet matched the drapes
From the near-omniscient BBC news website:

"Protest over 'naked' footballers
A football team's 50-year tradition of getting changed in the street has led to a complaint from a woman about the sight of bare bottoms from her window. The team, Skelton FC near York, does not have changing rooms so players have to get changed in their cars. Club secretary Scott Birkley* said the men struggled to change inside the cars and did sometimes flash their bottoms.

The parish council said it was not taking the complaint seriously but it had plans to build some changing rooms. Councillor Sue Robinson said: "It's the first complaint of its kind. The woman looked out of her window the Sunday before last and said she saw a naked man and she didn't think it was very nice."

Mr Berkley* said the players had no choice but to get changed on the street. "We have to park our cars on the road because we don't have a car park and then we just try to be discreet and get changed in our cars. Obviously it's quite difficult to do everything in the car so we have to sometimes stand out and maybe on the odd occasion you do flash your bottom."

Mrs Robinson said the complaint had proved a talking point in the village

"There's been an awful lot of comments, mainly 'she should be so lucky on a Sunday morning!'.

"This lady has done us a tremendous favour because we have got so much publicity out of this and we just hope somebody will come forward and help us." Mrs Robinson said proposals for the new changing rooms have been given planning permission and it was now a case of raising the £60,000 needed for the work."

I am relieved that the BBC showed restraint in their reporting and didn't use easily misconstrued phrases such as "banging their balls about of a Sunday morning", "Thumping one against the woodwork", and "Enjoying a traditional post match meal of meat and two veg". I am also glad they did not write that "Grown men are waving their penises and waggling their buttocks at an aghast woman in Skelton, Yorkshire."

(*The BBC might also want to check with this chap how he spells his name. Stop sending the youth trainees to do the nudity stories.)