We Have the Prescription for Your Toe Tap Addiction

A typical Republican Senator last year, prior to treatment

This whole Larry Craig affair is a sad business. Not only does the senior Senator from Idaho find his career and family life in ruins, he no doubt is full of self-loathing and self-recrimination. How can one live a life decrying the morals and standards of those who share one's sexual orientation without feeling one's own bile slowly dissolving one from the inside?

Larry and his fellow self-haters must get beside themselves with self-disgust every time they succumb to their biologically hardwired impulses and bang out the nifty fifty with some bloke in the bogs. Self repression, oppressive legislation, fervent bible bashing, or reversion "therapy" obviously isn't working. What Senator Craig and his chums need is help from every Americans' guardian angel, the pharmaceutical industry.

If psychiatry, psychology, or prayer isn't working then pharmaceuticals will. What is the key problem? Illicit sex in public spaces. How is this sex being initiated? By the tapping of toes. How can the patient resist tapping toes? With a prescription for Mirapax.

Mirapax treats Restless Legs Syndrome (the disease that did for Moira Shearer in The Red Shoes). Closeted self-loathing Republican legislators won't have to worry about succumbing to their genetic preferences as they won't be able to move their legs to tap shoes with undercover coppers!

When you think about it, it's the perfect Republican solution. Blame the symptom not the cause then throw chemicals at it in a vain attempt to solve things. Meanwhile party contributors get your money and you are stuck in a toilet.

All that is missing is Dick Cheney to snarl foul language at one while he pistol whips an elderly man. Although come to think of it, that might prove too appealing.