Monday, June 11, 2007

Medicine for MEN

Like many folks I take great amusement in the pharmaceutical ads on the telly*. I love the way many every day normal bodily quirks are medicalized, the way the ads indicate the desired demographic of the program maker ("I am way to young to watch the news honey, I don't have a need for osteoperosis drugs"), and most of all I love the legally required list of side effects (based on the frequency they pop up in the lists I imagine that even medicine for dry mouth and constipation may cause dry mouth and constipation).

My current favorite drug ad is for a prostate/boomer-needs-to-piss-a-lot potion called "Flomax". Roll that name around in your mouth a little- flomax. You can only force a trickle at the urinal and fear that more than two shakes is a wank? Then guzzle some flomax, piss like a race horse, then go kayaking with your buddies. May cause dry mouth and constipation.

Now, when I go kayaking I find it just as easy to piss in the boat- I'm normally wearing swim shorts, it will drown any leeches who have crept in, and if things get too disgusting I can always capsize. But then again, I'm a thirtysomething healthy urinator, not some dribble-wee baby boomer desperately trying to cling to past glories that weren't actually too glorious in the first place.

Even as obvious as the name Flomax is, I don't think the big pharma has gone far enough. With that in mind, I offer up my re-branding suggestion. Its just a name and a tag line, but if it gets picked up, consider this my poor man's patent app:

You'll pee so hard, you'll need a second hole in your knoblet."

May cause dry mouth and constipation.

*British chums: as you may know, the pharmaceutical lobby convinced American broadcasting regulators to allow them to directly advertise medicines to consumers, in the hope that idiots will go to their doctors and ask for pills by name as if they were Mars Bars.


Robert Mugabe said...

I propose Micture-Great: "The medicine that turns your urethra into a crowd dispersal tool!"

May cause constipation. And dry mouth, albeit not among the crowd.

kristin said...

Reminds me of:

weasel said...

Greetings President Mugabe. I am certain a man of your virility never suffers from flow problems.

Kristin- man, one of the few times in the past decade SNL has been funny and they beat me to the punch. Damn.

robert mugabe said...

You're not wrong about my unstoppable virility. Morning glory scarcely covers it. Morning noon and night is more the size of it. Anyhow, where was I? Ah, yes. I may not have any flow problems, but I do have an urgent need to disperse crowds of people (presumably gays) who oppose my reforms.

FlyingRodent said...

I've applied this standard of manliness to my own life, as it happens.

Just last week, Mrs. Rodent shunted her motor into a lamp post, causing damage to the paintwork.

Not to be outdone, I immediately resolved to slam her Mondeo sideways through a fence, rolling seven times through a field before coming to a rest on its roof.

I may have suffered multiple fractures in my right leg, a compacted vertebra and a severe concussion, but I'd recommend it to anyone.

Go on guys, don't have a piffling little girls' accident - put the pedal to the floor and have a real man's write off.

P.S. If you're unsure whether your accident is manly enough, check for exposed bone.

Lord Garfunkel of Ballyosford said...

what ho.

Urinium-235. There's nothing depleted about it.