Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Armageddon-outta-here

That beard will have to go

I'm sitting here listening to my first baseball on the radio of the year- Red Sox vs. the Yankees down in Tampa in pre-season action (3-3 right now). Its nice to hear my old friends Jerry Trupiano and Joe Castiglione cast sly aspersions about Giambi's "virus" and to get to know a bunch of new Sox. The opening day of the regular season is just around the corner, the days are getting longer, and the crackly AM sports radio station comes in fine in the home office. What could possibly be wrong in the world?

Then in an unguarded moment I hear the name "Johnny Damon" and immediately my mind shouts "antichrist!"

But how can I be sure that Johnny Damon is truly the spawn of hell, sent forth by Lucifer to oversee the end of days? Luckily, there is a website that tracks these sort of portents:


Let me tell you, this is a really handy site! You can track all sort of indicators of the impending end of the world. No mention of Johnny Damon in the index, but I did learn that "Jewish religious groups are making plans to rebuild the Temple" and that "Satanism is reported to be flourishing in Russia". I also learned that "The U.S. Patriot Act has failed to get enough votes for extension" which along with being untrue as of the date of the site's last stated update is also apparently a "Mark of the Beast" (but only 32nd on the index- come on beast, pull your socks up!).

Having struck out while looking searching for Damon in the index, my heart felt a little heavy but I perked up when I saw that there was a photo gallery of potential antichrists. Surely the former darling of the Green Monster seats would be found here? Unfortunately not, but some chap called "King Jaun Carlos" can be. I wonder if he is related to King Juan Carlos of Spain? Wouldn't it be weird if he was; their names are almost the same and they are both kings! And isn't that such a happy font for an end of the world site gallery?

A search of the rest of the site still didn't unearth Damon nor any indicator that the "Rapture Index" is a joke. I did however learn that "The Lord Would Certainly Not Be a Democrat". Loaves and fishes; truly supply side economics?

Damon 1 for 4, single and a run scored. The Yankees currently lead 5-3 in the top of the 8th. The end is nigh.

The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite. Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam, but neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

10 comments:

Debbie said...

What!?!

weasel said...

Deb, its a great site- its teaching me so much about so many things. I may have to give up atheism and become a fundamentalist Christian. Or at least a Unitarian.

Update: Yankees win 5-4. A sign that you should not get on any buses with crosses hanging from the rear view mirror, as the driver might be whisked away mid-trip leaving the bus to crash.

Joe said...

Spring training games don't matter.

Nor do baseball players. JD would be more the antichrist if we were paying him $11 million/year for his inevitable downslide.

Viva Coco's Disciples!

JL4 said...

Johnny who? I was more visually stunned by Manny's "Raggae singer who really needs a bath" look.

Nice picture of OBL, and you're correct - Georgie is gonna get all over him about that beard. And that's not even mentioning the fact that his slider has no bite any more.

weasel said...

Joe, in my heart I know (even though it REALLY makes my skin crawl to hear the former rebel in chief talk about 'Mister' Steinbrenner; why not go the whole hog and call him 'Massa'?). But I did need a hook to introduce the rapture index. I have a feeling I'm going to like Coco Crisp a lot.

JL4, I'm impressed that Manny was flexible about his number. Either that or he left his real jersey on the team bus, sort of like I used to do when I didn't want to do gym in elementary school.

Debbie said...

Weasel-Learning about the possible antichrist?
Signs of the end of the world?
The key is to avoid having to worry about learning that stuff at all.

Give up atheism?
hmmm

I may have to blog about my sunday school experience with "Rapture learnin'"

Listmaker said...

that picture reminds me of the time at an a's -yankees playoff game a month after 9/11 when my friend dave asked me who i would root for in a hypothetical game - the yankees or the osama bin laden nine. i didn't have to think twice before answering that one. f you jeter.

weasel said...

I don't know why I was bothering to look: I'd forgotten that I am the antichrist, I am an anarchist. Trouble is I don't know what I want but I do know where to get it.

Listo, thats just typical of your people, isn't it? According to the Rapture Index, "The Antichrist will likely be Jewish because the Jews will not receive a Gentile as their promised Messiah." This all fits rather neatly with theories I have about Woody Allen.

Next up: are WASP politicians actually.....REPTILLIANS?

Debbie said...

According to theologians who study the rapture, the antichrist will come from Europe, go figure

weasel said...

I think we all know that the rapture will be triggerd by Fab Five Freddy, using the code words "everybody's fly".

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