This is the most pressing issue where I live at this moment

Thanks to chum Canada Dry Mike for the following tip, from Village Soup, one of our local newspapers (I would link but annoyingly VS is one of those deluded media companies that believes that people are willing to pay to read archived stories)

Middle school issues 'ban' on intentional flatulence
CAMDEN, ME (Feb 4, 08): The Merriam Webster Dictionary definition for flatulence is brief: "flatus expelled through the anus." And while it's a natural bodily function, it seems some Camden-Rockport Middle School eighth-grade boys are taking it to new heights and allegedly making a game of seeing who can expel the loudest and grossest flatus.

According to this week's "Fire Cracker" newsletter though, an informal eighth-grade publication, the joke's on the boys as the penalty for "intentional farting" is now a detention.

"Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS," the newsletter said. "It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!"

CRMS Principal Maria Libby said Tuesday that part of what the students wrote isn't true, and though she acknowledged that there is a punishment for "disruptive behavior," she said there is no new official policy regarding intentionally expelling flatus.

"A ban on intentional farting is not true and I'm not sure if it started as a game or not," said Libby. "It is also not true that this is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions, as was stated in the newsletter, and a detention is only warranted if the behavior is deemed a disruption."

Libby added, "It's not a new policy, but farting can be considered a disruption."

According to a group of seventh-grade students milling around downtown following Friday's storm-related early release, the eighth-graders' escapades are well known in the school.

"They would do it in science class and other places," said Jordan Tyler. "It's a natural occurrence, and we all do it 16 times a day."

When questioned where he learned that information, Tyler and the other students all said it was true, though they couldn't remember where they heard it.

One of the other students, Kyle Ruger, said the act by the boys was funny, but he had mixed feelings about whether it was appropriate.

Jordan Knowlton minced no words when she expressed how she felt, saying, "It's gross."

Remy LeVine said he was in the class when CRMS science teacher Brad LaRoche talked to all the eighth-grade boys about the issue, as well as the consequences.

School Superintendent Patricia Hopkins said she had not heard anything about the issue or the alleged suspected result until contacted by the media, though she did get a good chuckle out of the news.

Rumpshaker

Artist's rendering of my old roommate, Boo Jones
I was on the telephone with my former roommate and good chum Boo Jones last night, passing mutual compliments back and forth about a splendid breakfast we had shared in Bar Harbor the previous day in the company of our lovely consorts, when there was a burst of static on the line and a tinkling sound like several chandeliers shaking at once.

"Holyfuckingshitholyfuckingshitthatwasanotherearthquakeholyfuckingshit woweveryoneisoutonthestreetjesusthatwasfreakyandcoolholyshit!" boomed Jones in one breath.

Before last night I had never been on the phone with someone as an earthquake took place. Now I can cross that experience off my list. This was Bar Harbor and Mount Desert Island's third tremor in 10 days, and the strongest to date with a magnitude of 3.9.

I hope Country Mouse and I don't have to pull out the futon and prepare to receive refugees from among our MDI family and friends. I was hoping to use the upcoming weekend to wash the living room blinds rather than run a soup kitchen for our indigent chums. However, as our mutual friend Stipe noted, That's great, it starts with an earthquake... Also, Tim Daly was on the island a few years ago for the filming of The Storm of the Century and we all know that Tim Daly sightings precede most natural disasters (he has a sixth sense for being in the right place to research his next TV movie role).

Should this seismic activity continue I may be inspired to dust off and polish up my Maine volcano disaster movie script, Cracker-toa, East of Cleveland.

It Wasn't My Fault, I Was 80 Miles Away

Bar Harbor two weeks ago...

...And today. Or not.
Strange things are afoot just above the mantle in coastal Maine, as a series of small earthquakes have hit Country Mouse's home town of Bar Harbor in the past couple of weeks. We are travelling up there this weekend so I shall pack my earthquake-proof wellingtons just in case. I am no great believer in fate but after the news of the tremors reached Disgracelands (my current abode) I did wonder about my family's unfortunate propensity to be connected to all manner of disasters (mostly man-made, but as I think I neglected to mention, my Thailand-dwelling Great-Uncle Roy had a brush with the Indian Ocean tsunami).

Perhaps however this is a sign, like the one given to Bruce Willis by the train crash in the awful Unbreakable ("They call me Mr. Glass! The Children! The Children!") that I am destined to save the world, again. Therefore should the ultimate earthquake strike this weekend during our visit I shall face whichever mythical mutant sea creature- created by our own abuse of the environment through nuclear testing in Gouldsboro- should arise out of Frenchman Bay unafraid.

Everybody has a little Raymond Burr in them, after all.