Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Business of Wisdom Weasel is Business

Tijuana: where Harlan Sanders found the inspiration for the Kentucky Fried Cocaine Mule

As regular visitors to these pages can testify, hardly a day goes by when I'm not trying to live the American Dream by hustlin' to make a dollah (or something along those lines). I've investigated numerous get rich quick schemes, tried out for Jeopardy, attempted to open a seasonal mall for the past three Christmases, and even offered to sell prints of a photo myself sporting a moustache sealed in ziploc bags- all to no avail. I am still perpetually short of the folding green and still have to resort to tricks like colouring my toes with magic marker to disguise the holes in my socks.

This Monday last I had an epiphany (which was a bit awkward, as the ecclesiastical calendar had moved on to Holy Week). Why was I busting my gizzards doing all the hard work myself when I could find some chumps (that would be you) to do the heavy lifting for me? I didn't need to work for a living, I needed to come up with ideas I could franchise!

So chumps, your time has come. Help ol' WW coin it well large by signing up today to bring one of the following exciting franchise opportunities to your community:

The Bunshole: Customers love approaching the little round window at this cinnamon bun-shaped drive-thru coffee 'n pastries joint, as the skidmarks in the parking lot demonstrate. Our franchisees ensure repeat custom by offering a cup of joe and a sticky one to go just like mother used to make back in ol' Liechtenstein (or country of patron's choice). As we always say at the Bunshole, its all gooey goodness in the end.

Big Papi's Schmears: Make your fortune servicing the ultimate niche market- baseball loving Jewish ladies in for their annual exam. Who wouldn't want a bagel before, after, or during having the groinal HVAC folks in? And to make things even better, David "Big Papi" Ortiz's beaming mug will be toasted on the outside of every delicious kosher bublik! Because as Ortiz says, Papi cares about good nutrition and Papi cares about healthy lady bits (points to sky, points to dugout, ducks down to get mobbed at home plate).

Popeye's Wiccan & Biscuits: Hubble, bubble, boiling, GRAVY! Yum.

Perv's: This is a true "fire and forget" franchise, and couples perfectly with the business profile of many north American strip- and mini-malls. Almost every town and community has a "Curves", the women-only no-pressure supportive gym. Perv's is the essence of simplicity. Where there is a Curves, there is usually either an empty Fashion Bug or Chinese buffet next door. Simply rent the empty storefront, slap some dark film on the windows, drill holes in the wall that abuts Curves, set lawn chairs in front of said holes, and watch as the dirty old men and their lovely filthy money roll in. You may want to wear gloves when cashing out.

Kentucky Fried Eggs: After signing up for a KFE franchise you won't care which came first- you'll be too busy counting your money! Eggs are cheaper than chickens and can be marketed either on their own merits or as "hen veal", exciting the traditional fast food customer and gourmet alike. And given that the word "egg" is four letters shorter than "chicken" your menus will be cheaper to produce too. Just buy a fyolator, a supply of our special blend of 11 herbs and spices (and occasionally bits of shell), dust the eggs, and cook 'em well! The only issue existing franchisees report is that their customers have difficulty getting past the gag factor involved in consuming the rapidly congealing contents of the "Family 105 piece egg bucket" but rest assured our marketing support professionals are working on it.

Remember these are limited opportunities- don't miss out on your chance to send Weasel's daughter to a good university!

1 comment:

weasel said...

Also available- leases on my Greek-Vietnamese fusion retaurant, Acropolis Now.