Saturday, February 10, 2007

Fount of All Evil

Where I was born

Long time denizens of the Wisdom Weasel may recall that back in December 2005 I pointed out that members of my family seem to constantly find themselves in suspicious proximity to all manner of disasters. At the time, I chalked this up to a Jerimiah tendency- bad luck, if you will- rather than any grand design. Following a couple of geographically specific incidents this winter, I am not so sure.

In 1973 I had the grave misfortune to be born in Ipswich, the shire town of England's vilest county, Suffolk. For most of my life I have chalked this up to an accident of birth (even though my mother went into labour mere miles from either of the family safe havens of Norfolk and northeastern Essex). Recent events have forced me to re-evaluate the apparent random nature of my birthplace being explained away by the demands of my father's job and I now instead have firm evidence that I am the antichrist.

Lets review recent portends of my demonic birthright that have taken place exclusively in Suffolk:

1) The serial murders of Ipswich prostitutes in the autumn and early winter.

2) Ipswich Town, FC.

3) the Minifest Folk Festival.

and most damningly,

4) The arrival of H5N1 bird flu in the UK via a turkey farm at Halesworth.

Now consider these omens in the light of my recent visit to the UK over Christmas. Admittedly, I did not step foot in Suffolk while there (I haven't for years on principle) but while riding the London Eye giant ferris wheel I did glance in a northeasterly direction, vaguely towards the Suffolk port of Felixstowe. I fear my satanic powers are so great that all the residents of hell needed to pour forth and potentially trigger the rapture and the apocalypse was an inadvertent peek.

If I had known I would have worn blinkers. I apologise to you all for what is about to befall you. On the bright side, its not too late to ally yourself with me, the orange-haired prince of darkness.

4 comments:

FlyingRodent said...

I always thought Times New Roman was the font of all evil.

I'm more of an Arial man, myself.

weasel said...

Is it font or fount of all evil? I'm never sure; pitfalls of a comprehensive education and all that.

RPS said...

It’s fount. Although apparently those English, what with their favo(u)rite trick of spelling things wrong — colours and honours and such — confuse the matter as usual by spelling font 'fount.'

p.s. Most people think that Comic Sans is the font of all evil. (Those who detest/despise clowns would probably agree.)

I myself am not sure whether or not the devil child — unless he was a clown — would have orange hair. I think he's supposed to look more like this.

Mondale said...

I would like to point out that the Norfolk Liberation Army (Currently headed by the Suave Tom Wood and masquerading under the name 'Norfolk Now' and using an Oak tree filled with concrete as it's emblem) has liberalized relations with it's chav neighbor to the south.
Admittedly it's constitution still prohibits any born of Suffolk from holding high office and discourages relations between the two counties.
the contrast lies in the continued recreational use of Suffolk by Norfolk types seeking a change from the North coast. There are indeed pleasurable spots to be had along the Suffolk coast, one thinks of Walberswick for instance. The 1991 'Lebensraum' policy advocated admitting such areas into Norfolk for a term of 100 years as a form of 'protective governance'.
So it's not all bad.

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