Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Support Your Local Gunfighter

I don't usually write about Maine politics, never mind its intensely local iteration in the form of the race for Sheriff here in Knox County, but I hope you'll give me the benefit of the doubt and read on as I appear to have stumbled across an amazing story. The Republicans are running a performance artist acting out an uber-cop cliche role, and it looks like he might actually win! This could be the first Borat, Ali G style over-the-top fake character to take on a major law enforcement job in Maine. (OK, the second Borat, Ali G style over-the-top fake character if you include former Portland capo Mike Chitwood.) Welcome to the candidacy of Alfred Ockenfels for Knox County Sheriff.

Alfie used to be police chief here in Rockland. He retired a a couple of years ago, went to Jordan to train Iraqi coppers, and then came back to run for sheriff, knocking aside the Republican incumbent in the primary to emerge at the head of the pack. His position as GOP candidate seems to suggest an easy stroll to office, as Knox County likes their lawmen Republican (it is also why we keep invading neighboring Waldo County to look for non-existent WMD).

When I heard Ockenfels was running I toyed with the idea of running my own shadow candidacy under the name "Mike Ockenbals" (say it fast) but the more I've learned about Alfie the more I feel he has the cop parody act around here sewn up. For instance:

Fun Fact 1: Alf has a German Shepherd named "Tazer".

Fun Fact 2: Alf used to sit on the national board of the NRA and reliable sources report that he refused to endorse a local youth organization unless they re-named their "Shoot cameras, not guns" anti-violence program.

Fun Fact 3: Despite this being Maine, Alf wore a cowboy hat and rode a white horse in this year's lobster parade to show everyone that he looked like a sheriff.

Fun Fact 4: Alf appears to be the model for Carlos Alazraqui's "Deputy Garcia" on Comedy Central's Reno 911:


The only thing you can't find any facts about are what he actually stands for, what he believes, and what his plans for Knox County law enforcement will be should he be elected. Just trivial stuff, after all.

I'll keep you posted, dear readers, should Alfie win. Should things follow the script, I reckon every prison riot will become a laugh riot with Sheriff O at the helm. Watch this space.

4 comments:

Jim said...

WW wrote:

"The only thing you can't find any facts about are what he actually stands for, what he believes, and what his plans for Knox County law enforcement will be should he be elected. Just trivial stuff, after all."

This must be the Republican campaign strategy for November, as the first sentence could very well fit Republican gubenatorial candidate, Chandler Woodcock, perfectly.

While Chandler is witty, folksy in a rural western Maine kinda' way and deadly with one line barbs in a debate, no one knows how he'll cut taxes, create jobs, or reform state govt. making it leaner (all claims of his campaign).

As you say, "just trivial stuff."

weasel said...

One of my arbritary rules of politics is never trust a candidate wearing a bow tie when men's fashion has moved on. The wearer is likely to be a member of the Nation of Islam, a pederast, or a bug-eyed anti-science lunatic making a cack-handed attempt to run as a compassionate conservative.

Also, in many English speaking countries, "Chandler Woodcock" would be considered two last names, not a first- and last- name combo.

Rikki said...

Heavens to North Appleton! He does look like the dude from Reno 911! That's creepy.

Incidentally, is that true about his dog? That's sickening.

I must say that I have no idea what to do with this election. What you noted about how Knox Co. likes its lawmen -- Republican -- I figure also needs a tail: "and male." I foresee the Donna Dennison campaign suffering from the sheer fact of her gender. This, sadly, despite what I understand is her fairly distinguished career with the Sheriff's Office jail unit (or whatever it's called).

This all aside, I guess there is some other guy ... I see his signs. Butler, I think?! I guess he has also long worked at the Sheriff's office. I don't know his politics, and due to the lack of any congruity to the way signs are installed on people's front lawns in Rockland, I can't even contextualize my way to anything remotely close to an educated guess about it. Yet, I have a sad suspicion that he and Dennison will split the non-Ockenfels vote and a guy who weirds me out will easily become the New Sheriff in Town.

Not that I have any idea whether or not that matters.

Midcoast politics fever ... catch it!

weasel said...

I'm sure Alf is a very competent law man regardless of his party, I just hate the way he seems to embody that idiotic paramilitary approach to policing so common among the high-and-tight, never take off the shades, rigid associates degree holders they keep turning out of police academies. If you want to carry a gun and call people "sir" and "ma'am" while not meaning any real respect, join the army, they need folks about now.

And yes, that is his dogs name, alas.

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