Mass Observations

Now for the text version of our weekend in Beantown.

1) Country Mouse and I have been engaged for 13 months now. I bought her a nice ring and promptly spoiled the effect by giving it to her 15 minutes before we were going out to go candlepin bowling. After we had been through the Museum of Science CM redressed the balance by proposing to me in turn, presenting me with a handcrafted paper Star Wars ring. I shall be wearing it at our reception, and to all dress occasions from here on out.

2) The unintended best bit of the Star Wars exhibit came after we had left it. As we were doing our best to cover the rest of the museum members of the New England Garrison of the 501st Legion (spods who dress up as stormtroopers, etc) began to filter in for their costume weekend. Nothing beats the sight of a bunch of folks in street clothes carrying garment bags in one hand and stormtrooper helmets in the other. Laugh if you must (and I did) but bear in mind that these folks probably mint coin in their day jobs- if the tech support guy needs an outlet and isn't coordinated enough for softball, be it so (says Yoda). I did see from their photos however that they have four Boba Fetts (don't you hate it when you show up at an event and someone else is wearing the same outfit?) and the world's largest jawa. Actually, knowing the height requirements for a jawa probably qualifies me for immediate membership. Bags I get to be Bumface.

3) The defining theme of the weekend was gluttony. Such is the outcome of a) having to eat out for every meal; b) not having a fridge for leftovers (the minute I request a key to a hotel minibar, even just to store cheesecake, it's all over); and c) being brought up as members of the empty plate club- there are children starving in Africa, you know. May I make a futile request to American restaurants to please reduce portion sizes? I hate to waste but I hate my waist.

4) Its all well and good having funky leopard skin print robes for your hotel guests, but not all hotel guests are midgets. I tried one on and looked like an orange haired drag queen taking off Gina Lollabrigida. Other than that, Kimpton hotels rock. Well, this one did.

5) Although putting your doormen in fedoras is a bit much.

6) Neither CM or myself can comfortably hold a conversation with a cabbie.

7) Baby strollers are for children, not for pushing around cramped aquariums empty while you darling turd of a child runs about like Atilla the Hun. That's why there is a stroller drop-off. Nobody is going to steal your precious McLaren- park the damn thing. If your kid needs to sit down, its probably time to leave as they have reached the end of their "educational absorption experience". And if you are going to spend hours composing a portrait of precious in front of a fish tank, the fish tank is probably superfluous to the photo. Take your kid to Sears, have them drop a fake background, order the 8x10, 5x6 and wallets, and be done with it.

8) And an IMAX theatre is just as good as a regular cinema for teaching your kids to shut the hell up during a movie. Don't miss those teachable moments.

9) Does one tip aquarium employees in costume who pose for photos with one's beloved?

10) Every Weasel needs a Country Mouse to remind him not to start a fight in an Irish pub, especially given that his English accent will render allies thin on the ground.

11) Speaking of Irish pubs, when two are on adjacent street corners they really should coordinate their Guinness St Patrick's Day digital coutdown window clocks so that the countdowns on both match. Unless that means they get a rolling start in Boston, or maybe State Street marks the convergence of two alternative universes.

12) FILENES IS CLOSING????? Now, that was a true vision of hell. All I wanted was a couple of shirts and a sports jacket. No chance. However, I could have bought all the Sean John lounge wear I wanted at 75% off.

13) Massachusetts' liquor laws are crap. It is no longer the 17th century. Let groceries sell wine- if not for God's sake, for mine.

14) I really like that hotels in Boston pull all the advertising sections out of the free Sunday newspaper. That's service.

15) Finally, Maine has its faults and I had a wonderful time visiting the city, but I have to admit my heart lifted involuntarily as we crossed the Piscataqua Bridge. Ultimately, I wish it was a drawbridge but you can't have everything.