Friday, February 24, 2006

Two Little Things

This is becoming a tradition. This week's spam message title that grabbed me:

Further arise the dogfish.

I thought that was a Somerset Maugham novel until I discovered Smirnoff.

Secondly, I like Listmaker's confidence in showing off his soap to the world. Suitably inspired, I took the digital camera into the bathroom with me this morning in emulation:

Although not the best at cutting through accumulated facial grease, Goodwill® Brand Body Soap is at least cheap. Much like the famous Goodwill rag bags are made from strips of donated clothing too damaged to sell on the charity shop floor, Goodwill® Brand Body Soap is made from soap residue scraped from donated shower curtains, soap dishes, bathroom fixtures, and face cloths.

Many people think the distinctive scent of Goodwill® Brand Body Soap is due to it being a masala of soap bits from a variety of sources. Not so; only the clean smelling elements of the bouquet come from the soap slivers. The vague tuna scent comes from the day labor hoboes who make the soap out back of the stores. Naturally they sweat a fair bit when stirring the soap vats and this of course is incorporated into the finished bars. Every cloud of tramp-sweat has a silver lining however, as hobo perspiration is a well-known lather enhancer, especially in areas of hard water.

Goodwill® Brand Body Soap has long had a cult following among Hollywood's glitterati, and among the select it has been an enduring tradition to donate the bars back for reblending after only a few washes. As the raw materials for Goodwill® Brand Body Soap are famously never cleaned before incorporation, the lucky celebrity chaser might find one of Richard Marx's pubes in their bar, or even perhaps Milla Jovovich's false eye. Adding to the celebrity cachet of the soap, it was recently announced that all the euphemistically named "rennet" lost by Kirstie Allie on the Jennie Craig diet would soon be added to Goodwill® Brand Body Soap for an even more creamy texture.

Next time, how I proved that while Dial handsoap might be anti-bacterial it sure ain't anti-fungi:

Country Mouse is sure to tell me off for this post. Sigh. Such is the high cost of low art.


Mondale said...

That's not the soap dispenser we brought you.

mas said...

I think you'll understand that as the OCD-suffering author of "Handwashings," I'm not sure we can be friends anymore.

weasel said...

Mitch, I work on the "Pandora's Box" theory of germ exposure- a little everyday makes you stronger. Thats why we should all eat the dirt under our fingernails.

Mondale, it was a soap dispenser? I've been using it for gravy!

Joe said...

This is the most disgusting thing that I've read for quite some time.

weasel said...

Then my work here is done.

Debbie said...

You are nasty and Hilarious I laughed through my disgust.
Great post!

Mrs R said...

Hey, I didn't know Rope updated your bathroom! And the sink has a faucet too? Nice! The other apt has just a handpump and a bucket.

weasel said...

Quick scarper! Put yer smokes out! The landlady is 'ere!

Debbie: "nasty and Hilarious" is what I have tattooed across my knuckles; a quick game of solitare one potato, two potato determines my mood every day (it was a bit of a squeezer to get hilarious on, mind).