Friday, December 30, 2005

Briefly Noted...

Headline on MSN Sports today:

Texans Insulted by Bush Talk

False alarm. The Lone Star State hasn't turned its back on it's favorite Connecticut carpetbagger George W, triggering a regime collapse of a magnitude unseen since the Romanian Army turned its guns on Ceau┼čescu back in 1989. Its a football story, about how the Houston Texans resent talk about Reggie Bush (no relation) joining their team next season. Even so, shame on you MSN for giving us such a brief moment of hope so cruelly dashed.

Meanwhile over in Britain, one of my compatriots loves New Years Eve so much he has decided to made himself over for the evening:

"Mark Davis, 31 from Pontypool, south Wales, of Newport Transport, spent the festive season with a fully-decorated fir tree woven into his hair. His new look sees him with a fully-functioning disco ball on his head, with "2006" shaven into his hair. (the rest, plus photo, here)."

Mr. Davis notes: ""I haven't had one miserable comment." You have now. When someone feels compelled to say "I'm going to go even madder for the rest of the year" it usually means that they won't. Next year take it a step further; dress up in a full Christmas tree/disco ball suit and run a marathon. We'll see who is laughing "madder" then. WHAT? Oh, come on! It's an act on my part- I'm only playing cumudgeonly for contrasting effect!

Finally, a word on Meaners. There are two types of people born and raised in Maine; Mainers and Meaners. Mainers can be a little crusty and bluff but once you get past their salty carapace and overpowering spruce scent they are generally lovely folks. Meaners on the other hand are snarling, grizzled tubs of piss and vinegar who show up early to yard sales desite the "no early birds!" sign and hate everyone whose predecessors had the immagination and gumption to either leave or move to the Meaners home town.

Meanerism manifests itself in many forms, most often in town office/citizen interactions (lots of Meaners become town clerks, code enforcement officers etc), the retail environment (usually at the local hardware store you are trying to help keep alive in the face of Home Depot), and in the kitchen at bean suppers.

I was reminded of the presence of Meaners among us by two things this week. The first was a failed attempt by Country Mouse to buy wood screws at a local independent home improvement store, apparently from Mama Fratelli from the movie Goonies. The other was a radio report; a heartwarming story about kids at a New Hampshire high school on the border with Maine raising money in order to travel to New Orleans during February break in order to help rebuild schools devastated by Hurricane Katrina. The kids are going to give up their vacation and are currently working hard to make their trip a reality, but the news anchor closed the story by saying "the school's principal wants to emphasize that under no circumstances will the students be allowed to participate in any Mardi Gras activities".

You see? That was put in for the Meaners! Any hint of the kids kicking back would have seen letters to the paper and attempts to derail the project by pursed-lipped matrons. Its not enough that these kids should volunteer to help others but they should be denied all fun while doing it. If the Meaners have to be cold and miserable during a Maine winter, damn straight anyone who travels outside the state should be too. No Shirley Temples or virgin daquiris out of big silly plastic goblets for you! No fun parade watching or bead catching, you little bastards! Work! Work in the hot sun and suffer! MEANERS! You want to kick back at a casino? Go to Connecticut cause you ain't getting one here- MEANERS! You want to play music after 11pm one night of the year, at the ACS Relay for Life at the high school track to help keep the funraisers walking and motivated? Too bad, we are calling the police to shut it down- MEANERS! Want a state bond to finance further education? No, we don't hold with book learnin'- MEANERS!

All I'm saying is that you Meaners will get yours, you damn dirty apes.

A typical Meaner, photographed earlier today taking a break from kicking in kids' snowmen and writing Letters To The Editor about how much better it was before he was born

4 comments:

RPS said...

Quite.

weasel said...

Read on; I finished it now. The post no longer consists of the accidentaly published word "brief".

Joe said...

Christmas cheer seems to have worn off at this point.

weasel said...

Oooh Joe, You MEANER! (Pointing out faults and negative characteristics- classic meaner. Oh shit- that means I'm becoming one too!).

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