Sunday, August 28, 2005

Ten Things To Do When Driving From Franklin, Maine to Camden, Maine

What a nice weekend: sunny both days, temps in the high 70s, ragin' Cajuns all over the radio (live broadcasts from the American Folk Festival up in Bangor), the sweetcorn harvest is coming in (and its wicked cheap), and a trip up to Donnell's Pond in Franklin to visit The Reverend Liberal Thunderer and The Herbal Bluebird and collect our dog Dinah from a week at "camp". Dinah swam, hiked, wrestled with Kya and Shaloin and got filthy hunting for frogs every day last week. She now smells like a clam flat at low tide and is- well- dog tired. Excellent.

The drive home from Franklin to Camden is only about 1 1/2 hours long but fear not, I found plenty to amuse myself as Country Mouse put the pedal to the metal. Should you find yourself ever travelling the same stretch of US Route One during an August weekend you could try one or all of these fun activities:

10) Give the finger to every Hummer you pass.

9) Beg the driver to stop at every flea market/antique shop/bargain barn you approach and then say "never mind" as she slows down.

8) Wonder out loud why the "Toziers' II" bar in Bucksport already has it's Miller Lite blaze orange "Welcome Hunters" sign up when deer season doesn't start until November.

7) Try and remember the odd name of the "historical exhibit" found on the edge of Franklin, the one that looks like a cross between a horse cart and a trebuchet and was either used in logging or quarrying.

6) Speculate whether the last Sox games of the regular season (against the Yankees at Fenway) will become a mini-ALCS by default if the Sox can't get their asses back in gear.

5) Bereft of any automotive engineering experience or skill, ponder the possibility of converting a gasoline powered Subaru Legacy to a biodiesel vehicle in the driveway with a crescent wrench and a 55 gallon drum.

4) Smile inwardly at the knowledge that should the conversion work, the car will always smell like fish and chips.

3) Shout "Clam in a boot! Clam in a boot!" at the restaurant "Just Barb's" in Stockton Springs whose sign, appropriately enough, is a clam wearing a boot.

2) Make up a country song about the occupants of the truck in front along the lines of "Oh your mullet makes me ponder your gender from askance, should I crack a brew with you, or should I ask you to dance?" then decide the driver is undoubtedly a man sporting a Washington County Waterfall hairstyle.

1) Every time you spot a vehicle flying an American flag from the hood ornament or antenna, greet the driver with the phrase "greetings, Ambassador", unless it is a pre-1990 Buick or Pontiac, has more than one flag, or has more than two magnetic ribbons of any color; if that is the case greet the driver with "hello Mr. President."


Debbie said...

This is your funniest blog yet!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clokeeeey! said...

Don't come looking for me, I'm in hiding.

weasel said...

Clokeeeey, you are obliged to follow on (post two consecutive comments) from now until the begining of the 5th test.

Clokeeeey! said...

OK. I take my penance. The Australian way is to not follow on, but to build a massive lead of over 600 and then bowl you out. Someone is tampering with the script.
Do you suspect that the people that run cricket (you know, the gamblers in the sub continant) have tampered with the ball in this series?

weasel said...

Could be, Clokeeeey- ECB Chairman David Morgan does have a thing for thai food. I see Brett Lee is attempting to sledge England (its like watching him bat) and that Ponting is crying sour grapes about subs; nice to see your mob acting in such a professional, sporting, and dignified manner old boy.