Face Magazine January 05: The Upcoming Year in Pitchers.

I see your future. I see your liver.

As I write, the last sands of 2004 are hissing through Father Time’s hourglass. Good. Frankly, for a peacenik liberal with a taste for sacrilegious humor the past year was not one of the all time greats. Bush won, the situation in Iraq went from bad to worse, prosperity theology triumphed over Christian charity, and the Patriots and the Red Sox dealt a death blow to New England’s image as a region of crusty losers.

However, it does nobody any good to dwell on past disappointment (unless you are Tori Amos or Jonathan Franzen, and then you make millions). I feel it is my duty to look forward to the still fresh 2005. Bearing in mind that the crappy situations mentioned above are unlikely to go away any time soon, I have decided to temper my predictions with drinks suggestions in order to help you face the future unafraid inside a suit of ‘buzz armor’. Happy 2005 and merry oblivion.

JANUARY: GLUHWEIN
Nothing beats the winter chill better than this German après ski concoction of warmed red wine, brandy, lemon, and spices. Also, gluhwein will be perfect for helping forget the ‘magic’ of President Bush’s $70 million second inaugural. If purists freaked out when Pepsi threw a party for the NFL on the national mall, I confidently predict that Gore Vidal’s head will revolve faster Linda Blair’s when he gets a load of the corporate love fest that will mark one of the most solemn ceremonials in the rituals of this republic. Be warned; although heated red wine can lead to a persistent killer hangover, no amount of microwaved Gallo will give you a headache that will distract you for the full second term.

FEBRUARY: THE WHISKY DAISY.
You’ll love this unique combo of scotch and aniseed liquor with the added gag factor of raw egg white. You’ll also love being one of the first to know that Liza Minnelli and Elizabeth Taylor will surrender the idea that the perfect husband is out there and marry in Vancouver on the 17th. Thereafter the happy couple will often be observed in PetCo picking out cuttlefish for Fernando, their Rainbow Macaw.

MARCH: THE JOLLY ROGER.
Oh, the magic of dark rum, Galliano, and apricot brandy! Oh, the less magical experience of realizing that your registration was up in December, you have a bag of weed in the glove box, and that Impala behind you is an unmarked cruiser. That’s going to be your March 8th.

APRIL: FLAMING LAMBORGHINI
Mix kaluha, sambuca, Bailey’s, and blue curacao. Apply a match. Extinguish then drink. Meanwhile in the outside world, confirmation hearings for President Bush’s fifteenth Homeland Security Secretary nominee Ann Coulter founders on the rocks of deviance, shady dealings, and domestic staff issues like the previous fourteen attempts.

MAY: PINK TREASURE
This blast of white rum and cherry brandy will seem somehow appropriate this month as the NRA and ACT UP form a groundbreaking alliance to push for the “Shotgun Wedding Amendment” that will allow gays to marry if the survive a harrowing dash across an open field while under rifle fire from conservatives.

JUNE: DRAMBUIE SHRUB
Scotland the brave meets sorbet in this saucy little number. It’s cooling effects will be welcome as Maine’s air becomes heated with arguments between year-rounders and waitstaff returning from a winter in the sun who innocently start bar conversations with “I’m glad I helped Florida go for Bush.”

JULY: ORANGE CLOUD
Break out the Pernod and OJ and shake as creationists protest Bush’s controversial ‘Stem Seal’ proposal that would involve implanting ailing humans inside marine mammals. Sorry folks; I’ve been testing the cocktails as I write and I’m a little confused.

AUGUST: TANKINI
Hold on; is this a martini variant or a swimsuit? Ahh, here’s the problem: I’m looking at the J Crew catalog, not my Mr. Boston’s.

SEPTEMBER: SECRET SMILE
Champers and the old standby Galliano come together in an experience as surprising as the photograph of Saddam paddling a grim faced George W. at his fraternity hazing that emerges over the Labor Day weekend. Now that explains a lot.

OCTOBER: BRANDY ALEXANDER
A drink that sounds like a porn star is perfect for the month when Bush’s 23rd Homeland Security Secretary nominee Jenna Jameson finally squeaks through Congress after an joint session that’s too hot for C-SPAN.

NOVEMBER: HORSE’S NECK
It’s a brandy and ginger ale thing. It’s also the obscure-no-longer sexual move attempted by the Senior Senator from Massachusetts on the new Homeland Security Secretary that leads to this month’s flurry of resignations and emergency appointments.

DECEMBER: B 52
What better way to celebrate America’s new war? Screw you, Teheran.

© Wisdom Weasel & Face Magazine (Portland, ME) 2004, 2005