News Synergy

Two headlines from the BBC:

Ronald Reagan 'appears to Nancy'

and:

Weekly curry 'may fight dementia'

Mr. Gorbachev, tear off some naan (and get some take away to Nance, there's a love).

Science (Sepcifically Engine) Questions: Anyone?

I heard a great story on our local public radio station tonight about Maine car dealer Adam Lee. I've had a soft spot for Lee ever since he pulled his ads off the Sinclair Broadcasting stations who ran that spurious John Kerry "documentary" in 2004 and now admire him even more for standing up to his own industry. On his website 35mpg by 2020 Lee challenges everyone involved in the US auto industry to rise to the challenge and make fuel efficient, attractive cars.

Its a good case he makes but Detroit and their pals in DC rail against it as bad science. The industry lobbyist rolled out to pooh pooh Lee came across like Scotty from Star Trek: "they cannae run any leaner, capn: its impossible, beyond the laws o' physics!". Which leads me to my first question:

I may be thinking like a complete dunce but don't many European cars already exceed the 35mpg standard: cars manufactured not just by the Japanese or Euro-marques but by subsidiaries of GM and Ford? I know some of the engines are turbo-diesels but why is that technology in particular considered a no-no over here? Am I missing a large, obvious point?

And second more locally based question: can trains run on biodiesel?

OK, I await answers from technical types...

“The angel of death has been abroad throughout the land; you may almost hear the beating of his wings. Or paws, whatever."

From Rhode Island's Providence Journal comes the tale of a highly suspicous cat:

"This cat has a sense for patients’ final hours
PROVIDENCE — Death walks silently among us, invisible except to the cat’s eyes.

The cat would be Oscar. He seems to know when people are about to die.

Doctors cannot say for sure how Oscar does it, but they insist the 2-year-old house cat, one of six cats at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, has foretold the deaths of more than 25 residents....(the rest)"

This was the last thing poor grandma saw:

Sure Fire Money Maker

As many folk report, iPhone mania is poised to sweep the nation. Apple is all set to cash in, with their phones costing between $500 and $600. Their exclusive cell service provider AT&T is also looking at a hefty payday, as monthly payments on the mandatory two year contract will average in the hundred dollar range. But what about the consumer? Admittedly, they'll have a pretty cool phone, albeit with less memory than an iPod and annoyingly ingratiating mac software, and they'll be able to show their associates that they have wads of cash to waste on a plastic box with ringing pictograms but its a hell of a leap to make on faith.

Therefore, we here at Shrimp Garnish Industries are proud to announce the:

iPhoney

Why spend hundreds? Why get locked into a bogus contract? Why get all excited about features you will use exactly once? Let's drill down to why you want an iphone: because you are either a poseur or a susceptible git who fell for "Tickle Me Elmo" too. What you want is a cool looking lump of plastic to wear on your belt (next to your replica lightsabre, perhaps); a lump that makes noises and you can hold to your ear in public.

Don't spend hundreds- get an iPhoney!!!

Your iPhoney includes:
A phone from our broad selection of recycled units and:

A futuristic looking "skin", replete with shapes in primary colours, places to stick passport sized headshots of your friends, and cheap plasticy sounding noises that could be personalized ring tones.

Only a true spod will be able to tell the difference, so if anyone says that your iPhoney isn't a genuine iPhone all you have to do is point at them while yelling "Spod! Spod! Bet you're a virgin! Spod! Spod!" until they shrivel up from embarrassment.

Don't be fooled by slick marketing telling you that you need something to accomplish tasks that up until about 6 years ago you were perfectly content to do by dropping coins into a payphone, with pen and paper, by standard email, or face-to-face. Get an iPhoney instead.

Special offer- order your iphoney in the next ten minutes and get a free can of "Apple Mac(e)"; the personal protection spray incorporating smart targeting technology. Spray it in a crowded room and the pepper spray stream will only target those in ironic t-shirts with Jimmy Fallon hairdos, leaving the PC users unharmed.

Medicine for MEN

Like many folks I take great amusement in the pharmaceutical ads on the telly*. I love the way many every day normal bodily quirks are medicalized, the way the ads indicate the desired demographic of the program maker ("I am way to young to watch the news honey, I don't have a need for osteoperosis drugs"), and most of all I love the legally required list of side effects (based on the frequency they pop up in the lists I imagine that even medicine for dry mouth and constipation may cause dry mouth and constipation).

My current favorite drug ad is for a prostate/boomer-needs-to-piss-a-lot potion called "Flomax". Roll that name around in your mouth a little- flomax. You can only force a trickle at the urinal and fear that more than two shakes is a wank? Then guzzle some flomax, piss like a race horse, then go kayaking with your buddies. May cause dry mouth and constipation.

Now, when I go kayaking I find it just as easy to piss in the boat- I'm normally wearing swim shorts, it will drown any leeches who have crept in, and if things get too disgusting I can always capsize. But then again, I'm a thirtysomething healthy urinator, not some dribble-wee baby boomer desperately trying to cling to past glories that weren't actually too glorious in the first place.

Even as obvious as the name Flomax is, I don't think the big pharma has gone far enough. With that in mind, I offer up my re-branding suggestion. Its just a name and a tag line, but if it gets picked up, consider this my poor man's patent app:

"Pisplosion!
You'll pee so hard, you'll need a second hole in your knoblet."
May cause dry mouth and constipation.

*British chums: as you may know, the pharmaceutical lobby convinced American broadcasting regulators to allow them to directly advertise medicines to consumers, in the hope that idiots will go to their doctors and ask for pills by name as if they were Mars Bars.

Larry the Lamb has Two Dams

As I have mentioned here before, I am a huge fan of the website/blog of Bad Science, authored by Guardian columnist Ben Goldacre.

In his latest entry Goldacre dissects some ludicrous reporting in Britain's Sunday Times (a once decent newspaper knobbed about with by Rupert Murdoch) and in the process reiterates a point often overlooked in debates about nature vs. nurture and the controversial practice of "curing" homosexuality as advocated by some of the more batshit Christian denominations:

"For those of you at the Sunday Times with some catching up to do, here's a news flash: we cleared up the question of Lamarckian inheritance of acquired traits over 100 years ago. If it helps, you could think about whether boob jobs will make future generations have larger breasts. And even if you could intervene to make a gay human straight- which only the Sunday Times and their friends are claiming here, not the researchers- then in any case, you might reasonably expect this to make any inherited tendency towards homosexuality more prevalent, rather than less." (The rest)

Brilliant! To recap Goldacre's point; as homosexuality is a genetic quality, not a conscious decision, and therefore people trying to turn gay people straight, and thus encouraging them to marry and procreate, are actually doing sterling work in ensuring that the next generation will include a larger percentage of gay people. This is either further proof that fundamentalists of all stripes are so self-deluding they should probably be hospitalized for their own (and others) safety, or evidence of a fiendish scheme to ensure a ready supply of future clients for these bogus sexuality adjustment shenanigans.