Saturday, August 09, 2008

Wetter, Crapper, Less Complete

Memo to:

Lord Sebastian Coe, Chairman
The London Organising Committee of the Olympic & Paralympic Games (LOCOPG 2012)
1 Churchill Place
Canary Wharf
London, E14 5LN
United Kingdom

9th August, 2008

Dear Lord Coe;

I watched the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympiad last night with great interest. Upon its conclusion, I turned my thoughts to the opening ceremonies for London 2012 and it is to that element of your event I turn my attention now.

Unless you can persuade the Queen or one of her heirs to run around the roofline of the stadium suspended from a wire-fighting rig and then light the cauldron with a Dunhill desk lighter and one her own majestic rose-scented farts, you are screwed. I also think its a safe bet that the British version of the grand pageant of history as symbolized by dance, flash cards, fireworks, and percussion instruments will be a bit rubbish. The Chinese also had genuine Scottish bagpipers, which I imagine annoyed you to no end, as it makes your plans to include Chinese opera seem very derivative.

And that's before we consider the chance of rain.

Sincerely,
Wisdom Weasel
Floreat Expatria
17 Dungrumblin Towers
Rock-around-the-clock-land, Maine.

How Britain will light the Olympic cauldron, 2012

5 comments:

Mondale said...

Litter.
Dogshit.
Lager.
Posh people.
Drunk people.
Scary teenagers.
Beautiful green countryside (with a vandalised fridge in a hedgerow).
The Queen and/or Prince William.
Dad's Army.

Some combination of the above should do it, they don't like it up 'em, these foreigners.

weasel said...

Throw in a phalanx of Daily Mail readers eyeing all the "foreign" athletes suspiciously and weighing up the chances of the Polish coxless four team becoming "pregnant teen benefit scroungers" as they enter for the parade of nations and you'd have an event there.

Also, I would be well wicked impressed (innit) if they used Leytonstone lightning to light the torch in recognition of the East End's long and stirring tradition of insurance fraud.

Bam said...

Ah! middle age has finally hit the class of '91. What with Mondale's list and the mocking of today's youth speak you're getting worryingly close to a Daily Mail editorial about how the UK has gone to the dogs, and how it was all better in your day.

The place certainly has its faults as does everywhere, but reading recent posts and comments on anthing UK related is getting like reading the Express, just a bit less balanced.

The move from radical young things championing the deprived and under priveledged to the comfortable middle classes has not been so visible since Ben Elton wrote "We will rock you".

Mondale said...

Ah, up yer shat Bam.
How dare you mention Ben Elton and his musical Queen tribute and me in the same comment. I'm not interested in your leftist rantings about the older, wiser generation. I'm off to listen to Sarah Kennedy on Radio 2. Then I'm off to the NNorfolk coast with my family, away from poor people and litter and noise and stuff.

weasel said...

Bam;

I am not quite sure how a post mocking the pretentions of a multi-billion pound corporate raid on the treasury can be seen as an ad hominem attack on the "kids today" and the poor, but to each his own.

It is sometimes hard for your humble typist to convey the presence of his tongue firmly in his cheek via the medium of the keyboard. That said, I'm hoping you can point me to the "recent posts and comments on anthing UK related (that are).. getting like reading the Express".

Suffice it to say, I am not a reactionary old git spluttering Shippam's bloater paste sandwiches down my MCC tie at the perceived vileness of youth and collapse of social mores, I just play one online for my assinine self-amusement...

(Sidebar: is this the Bam I am related to, or another one? That name is multiplying like fruit flies).

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