Tuesday, May 31, 2005

End of Days?

 Posted by Hello

Jesus was distracted from battling the antichrist by having to shoot Curt Schilling in the ankle as divine punishment for being an obnoxious loudmouth
Those over-hyperbolic commentators and fans who claimed that the Red Sox win in the World Series last season marked the 'end of the world' might have been closer to the mark than many of of us originally believed. If major league baseball is to be used as a barometer of armageddon, the signs that this year is all topsy-turvy are many and portentious:

Baseball actually develops a anabolic steroids testing policy.

The Orioles lead the AL East.

MLB returns to DC, and the team doesn't stink.

John Smoltz is a starting pitcher.

Toronto has 46 variations on the basic home/road uniforms.

Randy Johnson.

and most terrifying of all, Manny Ramirez is leading the American League in a fielding category.

I live in daily fear of David Wells splitting open at the mound and Beelzebub crawling out of his chest cavity along the lines of Alien or Men in Black (because as we all know, inside every fat pitcher there is a Lara Flynn Boyle waiting to get out). If Oil Can Boyd makes it back to the majors, don't be surprised if the water in church fonts starts to boil and Dennis Eckersley's moustache falls out.

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