Epistles Between The Barbarians, Part One

Stand by literary warfare..."

A few posts back I threatened to reproduce an email debate between Professor Noddy Trotter and myself that immediately followed the presidential election results last week. I'm still piecing it together but during the search of my sent- and in-boxes I rediscovered this self-indulgent exchange of ill-tempered literary commentary that rapidly descended into abuse between myself and Walter Mondale host Alex. Enjoy.

Original Message-----
From Alexander Bowles
Subject: Emil

did you ever read 'Emil and the detectives"? I wonder what happened to Emil
Tischbein during WW2? any thoughts? I think he would have been an excellent Wehrmacht officer, noble ideals in difficult times. Probably invaded Holland or something.

Bowles.

From: Weasel
Subject: Re: Emil

Gosh, I did. What an excellent book; thank you for reminding me about it. I shall have to get it out of the library (I should see if they have that modern classic "The Machine Gunners" too: "where you going now?".)

Emil probably joined the Gestapo. Reluctantly at first, but then with increasing
zeal he persued anti social elements across the Sudentenland after his posting to Czechoslovakia. He was hung from a bridge support in 1945, after being captured by advancing Soviet troops while trying to flee towards the relative safety of Austria and the American lines, in women's clothing with a handbag full of gold teeth.

But what of some of his compatriots?

Tintin narrowly escaped charges of collaboration due to protection earned by his services offered to a Belgian royal family sex ring.

Bertie Wooster, MC was killed in action at Monte Cassino while serving with the Grenadier Guards. His batman, Jeeves, was court martialled for looting his corpse then unrinating on his head.

Weasel

From: alexander bowles
Subject: Re: Emil

I have to disagree, I am convinced that fate never tested Emil's Wiemarian ideals trusting friends, not falling asleep on trains etc) and he was reasonably fortunate during the Nazi period (ok, he may have machine gunned the odd French village but hey, go around blowing up vital traintracks and you must expect some punishment). I reckon he was probably a middle ranking officer by the time he woke up on June 6, 1944 and saw thousands of grubby tommies and the rest sailing towards him. I think he was secretly relieved.

Bowles.

From: Weasel
Subject: Re: Emil

Dear David Irving,

Deny it all you will. Alas, after a stint in the Hitler Youth, Emile's detective skills made him a natural candidate for the state security services. Such a waste of a fine young mind to corrupt it so, to unleash it to find jews hiding under barns and in attics. Of course, the pollution of facism and the work debauched young Emile, especially after he took up with that shypillitic Hungarian female impersonator. What you are attempting to do is considered a crime in modern Germany, you know.

Best
Weasel

From: alexander bowles
Subject: Re: Emil

Now you are testing MY Weimarian ideals. Why will you not accept the argument for the 'good' German? Look at the evidence. Think about what we already know about Emil's character.

1) He was robbed on a train by a man with a moustache and instead of reporting it to the police he and his comrades of the street (the detectives) sought justice alone. I suggest that this tell us that he grew to distrust facial hair and from a very early age was sceptical of the instruments of state authority. Whilst he like millions of other germans would have been of an age and circumstance to be enlisted into the Nazi military machine I do not nessecarily assume that he became a full blooded fascist.

1a) As a young boy taken advantage of by an older man he would probably have been deeply distrubed by the homoerotism inherrent in Nazi ideology and imagery.

Bowles

From: Weasel
Subject: Re: Emil

AHA! You just scuppered your own ship! To whit:
"instead of reporting it to the police he and his comrades of the street (the detectives) sought justice alone."

Hmm, reminicent of the Frei Korps vigilante assassination of Rosa Luxembourg. Rather than strive for a society of laws, old facist Emile took to the streets to crack heads. The moustache is of no consequence, as Lenin's moustache cancels out Adolf's.
The only good German was Oliver Kahn in Munich in 2002.

Weasel

From: alexander bowles
Subject: Re: Emil

1. The detectives were a bunch of middle class liberal kids whose parents let them stay up late. The Freikorps were dissaffected right wing ex servicemen who went about murdering leftists and jews at the drop of a hat. Therefore, no comparison.
2. Stalin also had a 'tache. Butchered 20million+. By the time Emil was getting robbed on the way to Berlin Lenin had been dead for 3 years.
3. It's Emil with no 'e' at the end. He is not a girl.
4. There is no evidence that Emil's hometown of Neustadt was ever officially declard "judenrein" or free of jews during the period 1933-45 and therefore no direct evidence of any anti semitism in emils upbringing.

Chew on that
AB

From: Weasel
Subject: Re: Emil

Dear Lewis Carroll of Wymondham,

You are very vested in the purity and innocence of this pubescent blond boxhead, aren't you? Are your impulses fully healthy?
Yours,
Clare Rayner.

From: alexander bowles
Subject: Re: Emil

Sir,
Childish slurs are no way to win an argument. You great ginger spaz!
I win!
Bowles.